The Right Answer For Me

"Do you have kids?"

Seems like a perfectly natural question when meeting someone doesn't it?

It's goes right along with "Are you married?"  "Where do you work?"

It's how we get to know new people.

Since losing Jayden I have really struggled with how to answer this question.

I haven't liked the question for several years now, but at least  I knew how to answer it.

After losing Jayden, the answer didn't seem as clear to me.

I could answer no and avoid all the awkwardness that is sure to follow.  This question is always accompanied with a follow up question or two.  How many?  Ages?  Boys or Girls?

I found that when we moved to that portion of the conversation I felt like I was making people feel bad for asking which is obviously not my intent.  It pained the people pleaser in me to go this route.  Especially when it was a student who asked this question.  

So saying yes wasn't an option.  There was no way to avoid the follow up questions that brought on the awkward feelings.

But I couldn't say no either.

That's not truthful.  Sure it's easy.  A quick no and move on to a new topic.  No awkward follow up questions. No making people feel bad.  

This is how I answered the question when we moved back in October and my new coworkers would ask about kids.  By the time Thanksgiving rolled around I was sitting in a deep pool of anger and I was there all by myself.  It took me some time to figure out why I was feeling sad and angry over infertility.  What was triggering those feelings?  Why were they resurfacing when I had been doing so well?  

Then I realized it was having what felt like a million people ask about kids and not only was I not being truthful, but the the lie I was telling made me feel guilty because it was as if I didn't value/love, cherish/recognize Jayden's life.  

As I'm starting a new job and meeting new people I know I will have to answer that question a million times over.  Sometimes I just want to tell people to go research my social media so they can get my story and I don't have to rehash it.  That seems less painful and awkward for everyone involved.

  I actually had to answer the question today as I met one of my new coworkers.

But this time I'm handling it different than in October.  I hope I'm handling it better.  I know how to answer that question and I am comfortable and confident in my answer.

Do I have kids?

I have a sweet baby in Heaven.

And  you know what?  I don't care if that makes you feel bad or awkward or whatever it might make you feel.  I'm not looking for your pity or your condolences.  I'm simply answering your question in the most honest way I know how.  I'm answering your question in a way that allows me to live with myself and avoid the deep and lonely pool of anger.  And I hope I'm answering  your question in a way that points to Jesus.