Same Journey, Different Path

I find it strange that there are parts of this journey that I have no problems sharing yet  it terrifies me to openly share other parts.

I really believe it is Satan trying to keep me from sharing.  

Sharing your story may not be for everyone.  It's a very personal thing.

But it helps me.  It helps me to know others are praying for us and with us.

It helps me to read the stories of others, to know that I'm not alone.

One of the biggest lies Satan tells me is that I'm alone in this journey.

I refuse to believe that and blogging about this journey is one of the many ways I fight off this lie.

All that to say that Andrew and I have made a decision as to our next step in this journey and I'm struggling to share it.

I guess I worry about criticism from others.

Thankfully there hasn't been any of that yet.

It was a hard decision for me.  It feels like a selfish decision.  I have felt like it was not acceptable for me to make this decision.

But after many prayers, lots of conversations, tears (on my part), and several double stuffed oreos (again on my part - they make me feel better), we have reached a decision.

A decision that we feel good about.

In my last post, I shared that we had been matched with a sibling group of three.

We have decided not to pursue adoption of them.

They need more than Andrew and I feel like we can give them.

It's a hard decision.  They are cute as can be and need a safe, loving home.

It's hard to say no to that.  

But we feel it would not be fair to these kids for us to bring them into our home, knowing we cannot provide for them all that they need.

With that decision, we have also decided to take a new path in this journey.

We have an appointment next month at Arkansas Fertility.  

We hope to begin IUI (intra-uterine insemination).

If you've been around for awhile, you may remember that we had lots of testing done two years ago and were diagnosed with unexplained infertility.

The process of IUI is fairly simple compared to other treatments.

Basically I will go on medication to make sure that I ovulate and I will also give myself a shot (it's just one, it's just one little shot) to time ovulation.

They will take a sample from Andrew, wash it (so weird) and insert it into me, bypassing my cervix.

It's all very strange and scientific.

Not at all how I thought this whole baby making thing would go.  

I am both very excited and very scared about this whole process.

I'm trying to find faith and believe this will work, yet feeling very pessimistic.

When you go five years without seeing a positive its hard to think  you will ever see one.

I've heard success stories - people getting pregnant with their first round of IUI.

I've heard stories of people who have done four or five rounds of IUI and still haven't gotten pregnant.

I don't know which category we will fall in, but I do know God is with us and he will walk us through this next part of our journey.

Caught in the Middle of Fear and Hope

Tomorrow Andrew and I have a meeting with three DHS employees.

We have been matched with a sibling group of three.

The phone call came last Monday morning.

I was in my coworker's classroom visiting during our planning period.  The woman on the phone introduced herself - we shall call her Peggy.  Peggy began to tell me her supervisor, Wendy (not her real name) had matched us with a sibling group of three.  

My mind began to wonder why I was receiving a phone call about a match that happened almost a year ago, a match that we chose not to pursue.

I thought she was talking about a previous match because I could not believe that Wendy had recently matched us with a sibling group.  After all we have not had the best working relationship with Wendy.  We had some rough encounters with her early in our journey and up until this phone call I really believed Wendy was preventing us from adopting from foster care.

I was in awe that Wendy had actually matched us with a sibling group.

I guess that look was written all over my face because my coworker followed me out of her room to ask if I was okay.  

Still on the phone, I mouthed it's about babies.

As soon as I hung up with Peggy I sent Andrew a text.  

I just knew he would say no way are we doing this.

Instead he told me to set up a meeting with them.

More shock.

I spent the next few days trying to figure out my feelings.

I shared with our family and a few close friends about the match.  I needed prayers for wisdom and clarity and peace, but I also didn't want to be flooded with opinions.

I needed to figure out where I stood.

And where I stood was smack dab in the middle of fear.

Fear of talking to Andrew about it.  Fear of him saying yes to these children and at the same time fear of him saying no.

Fear of really exploring my feelings.

Fear of falling in love with these children only to have my heart broken again.

Fear of putting up a wall and never falling in love with these children.

Fear of the possibility of having hope.

Fear of parenthood.  

Somewhere amidst prayers I began to feel hope.

I find myself planning for these babies to join our family.

 I'm caught in the middle of fear and hope.  

Though the fear is still much larger than the hope.

I don't know what will come of tomorrow's meeting or even if anything will come of it.  

I don't even know what I want to come from this meeting.

What I do know is that the prayers of our family and friends have carried us through every step of this journey and I trust they will carry us through tomorrow and any upcoming decisions.

What I do know is the truth of Joshua 1:9, the Lord my God will be with me wherever I go.

A Step Forward

Yesterday was a good day.

Andrew and I drove nearly two hours south in anticipation of meeting a sibling group at a small adoption event.

It was a pretty quiet ride as we each tried to figure out what we were thinking and feeling about walking down this road again.

As soon as we walked into the event my eyes began to scan the room wondering which children we had been matched with.  There was a beautiful little blonde who instantly captured our attention.  She seemed to be very outgoing and appeared to be having the time of her life in the bounce house.

These events can be incredibly awkward so Andrew and I found a place to sit down and just sort of take it all in.  As we were sitting there observing our surroundings a woman walked up and introduced herself.  She was the adoption specialist who had contacted us.  She informed us that our sibling group had not arrived yet and she encouraged us to mingle with some of the other children who were there.

Andrew and I remained seated.

We haven't figured out to mingle at such events.

A few minutes later she returned to our table to let us know our sibling group would not be coming.  The snow would not allow them out of their driveway.

In an attempt to salvage our trip she told us of another sibling group present that she wanted us to interact with and consider.  It was the beautiful blonde, her sister, and her brother.

As we ate lunch we watched these three beautiful children and talked a bit about their story, what little the adoption specialist had told us.

We realized that our hearts were already gravitating to the sibling group we had originally come to meet.  Despite the fact that we hadn't met them or even seen a picture of them, we felt led to continue down that path before considering any other children.

Our hearts are not capable of considering more than one possibility on this journey.  We feel like the only way to do that is to make a pros and cons list and then we are discussing lists instead of people, instead of children.

It takes the humanness out of it.

Our hearts simply do not allow us to do that.

We called the adoption specialist over and told her how we were feeling.  We told her we were so glad we made the trip and were able to meet and speak with her.  Our conversation allowed us to learn a little more about the sibling group we have been matched with.

She told us she expects to have all the needed paperwork within the next week or two and then she will visit us in our home to have the full disclosure meeting.

She mentioned that if at that point we decide not to pursue the adoption of this sibling group she has another sibling group she would want us to consider.

Andrew and I really liked this adoption specialist.  We had a very frustrating experience with the adults working with us last time.  Things that flat out made us angry with the whole system and tainted the process.  We are both relieved to be working with an adult who we like and who seems to want to do what is best for the kids as well as help us find the kids God has for us.

Yesterday was such a big day for us.  It felt good to step out and to start working toward adoption again.

In a couple of weeks we will have a full disclosure meeting and learn more about these precious children.

In a couple of weeks we will have to decide if our hearts are ready to take this journey again.

My desire is that we would know God's will without a doubt in this particular matching and that we would have the courage to trust Him no matter what He calls us to do.

Returning to the Journey

This time last year Andrew and I were spending several hours each day looking at a photo of ten beautiful children and dreaming about our future.

Though we knew in our heads that our dream was not a guaranteed outcome, in our hearts it felt guaranteed.

"Our kids" were two words that came so quickly into our daily conversations.

In our hearts, they were ours.

And they always will be.

Though it doesn't occur as often, I still occasionally notice Andrew or myself saying "our kids" when we talk about the eight children we were blessed with for such a short time.

Our adoption was disrupted - that's the system's way of saying it didn't work out.

It didn't feel like a disruption.

The word disruption, at least to me, indicates a small bump in the road.

A short break.

A TV commercial is a disruption.

An adoption not working out?

It is so much more than a disruption.

In the moment it feels life shattering; you don't know how you will get through your next breath.

It hurts.

It hurt more than anything I have ever experienced in my life.

It's been almost five months since the kids left our home.

And for the most part life is back to normal, back to the way it was before the children.

I still have moments where I cannot control the grief.

Moments where I cannot control the guilt.

There are a million emotions that come with a failed adoption and unless you have experienced it, there is no way you can really understand.

We have received phone calls from three different adoption specialists about three different sibling groups in the past five months.

We've said no to two of those adoption specialists for different reasons.

It's hard saying no.

I want to want to say yes, but I simply couldn't.

I was not ready.

I had no desire to walk down the road of adoption again.

I was finished.

The third adoption specialist, the one we haven't said no to, called for the first time in early December.  There wasn't a lot of information at the time, just the number of children in this sibling group, their genders, and their ages.

She did say something that was a pretty big turn off to Andrew and me.

And then we didn't hear from her again so we figured we were not an approved match.

Last week God began to change my heart.

Through social media I watched a friend and her family finalize the adoption of four beautiful girls.  

I began to feel ready to step out there and try again.

I begin to feel ready to actively start working toward finding the children God has for our family.

On Thursday we heard back from the third adoption specialist.

We have been approved as a match for this sibling group.

The thing that was a big turn off to us....she explained it a little more and it is something that is not  a deal breaker for us.

She invited us to an adoption even next Saturday to meet the children in anticipation of a doing a full disclosure meeting.

All of a sudden we are back on this path to adoption.

It's exciting yet so very scary.

It feels different this time.

We are meeting the children in a week and they are not "our kids" yet.

Our hearts aren't as quick to jump into feeling guaranteed yet.

We are hesitantly tip-toeing down the path this time.  

Our dream is coming back slowly.

The Best is Yet to Come

Normally as a year comes to an end I like to go back through blog post and reminisce on the year and all the memories it brought.

This year is different.

Here it is the last day of 2015 and I simply do not have the emotional energy to journey back through the year.

It was such a wild year.

Training and tons of paper work as we worked to become an open home.

Meeting our eight children and bringing them home.

Letting them go and figuring out how to move forward.

We experienced the highest of highs and the lowest of lows in 2015.

As I look forward to a new year and a new start, I don't really have any expectations for the year.  It is difficult for me to believe that this will be the year we become parents.  I've been believing that for so many years.  I'm not sure I can do it again this year.

I received a planner in my January faithbox.  

The cover said "The Best is Yet to Come"

As soon as I opened my box and saw those words the tears began to flow.

Tears of thanksgiving and praise.

The best is yet to come.

Infertility is a fine line of believing God for your miracle baby while not wanting to get your hopes up because it hurts so bad when another month goes by and there isn't a positive pregnancy test.

Adoption after a failed adoption is a fine line of trusting God will walk you through it while being terrified of a repeat outcome.

I know in my head that God's timing is perfect.  The best really is yet to come.

In 2016 I want to know that in my heart.

I want to trust God's plan no matter what it is.

I want to believe the best is yet to come.

A Lonely Place

Yesterday one of the kids contacted me on social media.  I asked how she was doing only to be told to leave her alone.  

This morning we saw one of them at church.  He called out, "Elaina" and waved as if I had never been mom.

Two small moments caused my heart to break all over again.  Andrew and I wanted so badly for this story to have a happy ending.  We never wanted or believed our story would be described as a failed adoption.  

A failed adoption is a lonely place to be.

I find myself terrified of trying again, of having children.  And yet at the same time I find myself terrified of never having children, of never having the family I've always dreamed of.

It's hard to know where to go from here.  

Actually it seems impossible to know where to go from here.  Andrew and I are all over the place in what we think we want and  we never seem to be in the same place at the same time.

That's hard.

A failed adoption is a lonely place to be.

Do we want to try adopting again?  Do we pursue different children or try to bring back one or two of the eight?  Do we try infertility treatments?  Do we not have kids?

We don't know.

Most of the time I feel okay.  I feel as if I have healed.  And then in a moment I realize how raw the emotion and the hurt still is.  I realize how deep the scars go.

Infertility brought moments of loneliness,, but I never really felt alone.  I had family members who had struggled with infertility.  I immediately found blog friends who were struggling.  I always felt a part of this infertility community, a community none of  us wanted to belong to.

With a failed adoption, I haven't found that community.  I haven't found that group of people who have walked through this fire and found themselves on the other side, in the happily ever after.

A failed adoption is a lonely place to be.

I have been struggling with sharing about our failed adoption.  It's very personal and it's hard to put into words all the different emotions that come with it.

I want to explain what happened so people might understand and hold back their judgement.  I want to keep the mistakes and issues to myself because honestly it's no one's business.  

But if there is anyone out there walking through this same storm then I want them to know they are not alone.  I want them to know that there is someone else who has been through this storm.  God will carry us through.  

I want a failed adoption to be less of a lonely place.  

Tuesday Tunes

I miss the loud chaos of having eight kids.

The peace and quiet is my favorite.

I want to jump in the car and go get all eight of them and bring them back home.

Let's get rid of the 12 passenger van because we are never having kids.

Just the two of us - it's perfect.

I want kids.

Let's try adoption again.

I'm never adopting again.

Let's just have a baby the old fashion way.

Oh wait.  We tried that.  It didn't work.

These are just a few of the ever changing thoughts than run through my head lately.  If you ask how I'm doing I'll give you the standard "I'm good" or "I'm okay".  That's simply easier than trying to explain that my feelings changed in the amount of time it took you to ask me how I was doing.

I have moments where I'm perfectly fine and life feels normal.

And in the same breath I can have a moment that causes me to break down in a full on ugly cry.

Lately the ugly cry comes from not knowing God's plan.

Bringing our eight children into our home and loving them was what God called us to do.  Andrew and I still believe that.  Yet it didn't work out the way we thought it would.

My low moments come from not understanding why having children has to be so hard for us.  They come from not understanding how God is working in all of this, but knowing that He is working.

This morning I heard a song on the radio as I drove to work.  It's a song that I've heard a hundred times, but this morning it spoke to me in a new way.

I may not be skilled to understand God's plan, but He lives.  He always has and always will.

He is always there for me.

I am not skilled to understand
What God has willed what God has planned
I only know at his right hand
Stands one who is my Savior

I take him at his word and deed
Christ died to save me this I read
And in my heart I find the need
Of him to be my Savior

That he would leave his place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You called it strange so once did I
Before I knew my Savior

My Savior loves
My Savior lives
My Savior's always there for me
My God he was
My God he is
My God he's always gonna be

Yes living, dying let me bring
My strength my Solace from the Spring
That he who lives to be my king
Once died to be my Savior

That he would leave his place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You called it strange, so once did I
Before I knew my Savior

My Savior loves
My Savior lives
My Savior's always there for me
My God he was
My God he is
My God he's always gonna be

Missing the Chaos

Our Precious Eight,
    For twenty nine days God allowed us to be a big loud family of ten.  In some ways those were the longest twenty nine days of my life, but at the same time those twenty nine days weren't nearly long enough.
    I'm sitting here wishing things could have been different.  This big house is all to quiet today.  I miss the crazy chaos.  I miss those moments all piled up in bed, watching dad have tickle fights with you.  I miss football games in the yard - the weather is perfect for a game today.  I miss cooking meals for you and sitting around the dinner table listening to your favorite moments from the day.
   I wonder if those twenty-nine days were enough.  Were they enough for you to know how much I love you?  Were they enough for Dad and I show to you how much Jesus loves you?  Were they enough to let you know you are valued, each and every one of you?
   It breaks my heart to know that I may never see you or hear your voices again.  It's not how I wanted the story to end.  I believe with everything that Dad and I did exactly what God wanted us to do with each step.  I trust in the truth that is Jeremiah 29:11 - God has a plan for each of us and it's for good, not to harm us.
   H, A, N, S, M, K, A, and S, I love each and every one of you more than you will ever know.  I wanted more than anything to be your mom, to have you has my beautiful sons and daughters - all of you.  No matter what the future holds for each of you and for Dad and I, know we love you.  We want the best for you.

A Week Later

It's been just over a week since our children left our home.

It has not been an easy week.

Like with so many other things, Andrew and I are complete opposites when it comes to how we grieve and attempt to move on.

I'm thankful God has allowed us to be aware of this fact.  Despite our differences we've been able to grieve together rather than pulling apart from each other.

We started this journey last fall and so many people have joined us in prayer along the way.

People we know, people we've only met a few times, and people we've never met.

They have carried us through each day with their prayers.

They have stood in the gap for us.

Their prayers, your prayers, are the only way we've made it through the past week.

Thank you.

We still have rough moments.

We still shed tears.

But God is healing our hearts.

He has been faithful to remind us that He is with us.

Always.

He called us to adoption and we obeyed.

It may not have ended the way we hoped, but He is still in control.

God is on the throne.

A Dream

This post is by Andrew...

A dream...

God gave Elaina and I a dream a long time ago. A house full of kids. Life. Noise. Family. A dream.

For years we tried to conceive. It was not to be. Doctors said it was "unexplained infertility." When they said those words all I could hear was Seinfeld saying "That wasn't the tube or the circle." There has to be a reason, an explanation, a cause, a purpose... You see, we have this dream.

We never had peace about pursing IUI, IVF, etc... We were moved to adopt. As we wavered, friends and strangers would appear and bring us back to adoption. It was inescapable. I felt like I'd end up in the belly of a fish if I turned away from it one more time. As we submitted to it, we had peace. It was our reason, our explanation, our cause, our purpose... You see, we have this dream.

I love the Fall. The colors. The cool mornings and crisp afternoons. The clothes. The college football. The last few rounds of golf. It was in the Fall that we took our first steps of obedience. It was in the Fall that we took our first glimpse of our children's photo. It was in the Fall that we found hope and a path forward. We gathered info, filled out forms, scheduled training... We planned and calculated. You see, we have this dream.

Fall became Winter and training was done. Winter bowed to Spring and home studies were conducted. Finally Summer arrived and we were approved. We were a licensed adoptive home in the State of Arkansas. We met our children's adoption specialist the same day. We questioned her and devoured every detail she gave about the children. Morsels of hope. Food for longing hearts. You see, we have this dream.

About a month later we met our children. Another month passed and they spent their first night in our home. A house full of kids. Life. Noise. Family. A dream.

Another month has now passed and we find ourselves in a place we never thought we be. Disrupted. It's the system's way of saying a failed placement. Our children simply are not ready to function in a non-institutional environment. Our love and effort were not enough. The last month has been challenging but full of good. A blessing. A gift. A dream.

The process of accepting that we could not safely proceed is the hardest thing Elaina and I have ever had to do. We love our children too much to continue on the trajectory we were on. We had to find a safe way to land. We love them and always will. We will be here for them for the rest of their lives. We simply cannot be their mother and father. Yesterday DHS checked the kids out of school and drove them away. Away from us. We've gone from nervousness and fear to brokenness. We hurt for our children. We long for them. We know they're full of fear. They're searching for answers just like we are. We mourn.

To quote the fictional Moonlight Graham, "It was like coming THIS CLOSE to your dreams... then watch them brush past you like strangers in a crowd."

So. Here we are. Looking for a reason. An explanation. A cause. A purpose. How can we function? How can we proceed? You see, we have this dream.

Our hope and our peace is from the Lord and in the Lord. We know He is our source and the source for our children. Our lives are His. Our plans are His. Our dream is His.

Today is His day, and He is good to us all.

Our First Family Road Trip

Before the children ever moved in we planned a road trip for the first weekend they were all home.

We were going to Oklahoma City to visit with Jill and Alex and to do some back to school shopping at the outlet mall during tax free weekend.

All week we wondered if we would be able to make the trip or if it would be too much.

Thursday morning rolled around and it seemed to be one thing after another.

Andrew looked at me and said, "We can't do this."

I completely agreed but oh how I didn't want to.

He had to be in OKC on Friday for work.

Even if we didn't join him, he was going.

It's not what this momma wanted.

We told a few of the kids we weren't going.

They were heartbroken.

And then Andrew and I decided, wise or not, we were doing this.

We had a family meeting and just broke it down for the kids.

Andrew told them he had to be there regardless and they could join him or not join him.  It was their decision.

He told them if they couldn't get along in the van he would turn it around and come home.

We were determined to have a great weekend together.

So Thursday afternoon, several hours after we had planned to leave, all ten of us loaded up in Big Blue for a 5.5 hour drive to OKC.

And we made it.

A mini vacation is exactly what we needed.

Our kids stayed off of social media and didn't talk to boyfriends/girlfriends all weekend.

We simply spent time together as a family.

Sure there was an occasional argument and the occasional frustration, but show me a family who doesn't experience that.

Our children got to meet Aunt Jill, Uncle Alex, Amelia, and Sydney.

It makes my heart swell with joy to see my kids playing with their cousins.

I've missed these two girls.

We could not have been more thankful for Jill & Alex's hospitality.  It's no small feat hosting ten loud people for a few days.  They took good care of us and loved on us well.

They even helped us do back to school shopping.

We got home late Sunday evening.  

We were exhausted.

I was thankful.

I was thankful for a weekend together, time with our family, and for the sweet memories we made.

I was thankful we decided to go for it even when everything in us told us to just stay home.

Parenting

Yesterday was a first for our family.  Dad had to go to work and I was left home to take care of our children without his help.

The morning went smooth.

Around lunch time Satan wormed his way into our home and things took a turn for the worse. It was a rough afternoon. 

We all let ourselves get easily frustrated with one another.

After yesterday, I was scared to face today.  

Another day home without dad.  

I woke up feeling sick.  

I had an orthodontist appointment which meant Dad was home with us for the first part of the morning.  Who knew an orthodontist appointment could mean relaxing alone time?

When it came time for him to go to work I cried.  I felt myself getting angry with him for leaving us.  I wanted him to stay home and help me.

He held me and prayed over me and for our day.

Having children has brought both of us closer to God.  We cannot do this without Him.

I am thankful to have a godly husband/father leading our family.  He is strong when I'm falling apart.

And I try to be strong when he is falling apart.  We are a team and we are in this together...all ten of of us.

Today has been a good day.  We've had a few bumps but we have gotten past them together.  My children are speaking kindly to one another even when I know they are frustrated with each other.  I can't even begin to tell you how much good that does this momma's heart.

We are learning to show our love to one another in ways other than just saying I love you.  In ways that matter...how we speak to one another and how we act toward one another.

There are so many of you, some that we don't personally know , who are praying for us constantly.  We cannot say thank you enough.  We need you to carry us through the rough spots.  There are moments when we simply don't have the words to pray, but we know you are standing in the gap and carrying us through with your prayers.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Parenting is hard.  It's overwhelming and it's stressful.  It's exhausting and frustrating.

But it's also a dream come true.  It's a blessing and the best job I've ever had.  It's beautiful and it's right.

Children are a gift from the Lord.  

(Psalm 127:3)

 Our quiver is full.

(Psalm 127:5)

Four Days In

Friday was moving day.

All ten of us are home for good.

We've made it through the first few days.

We are learning to be a family.

We have moments where we are really good at being a family.

And we have moments where, quite frankly, we stink at being a family.

We are ten individuals learning to be together 24/7.

We are learning to speak with kindness.

Even when we don't feel like it.

We are learning to put others before ourselves.

We are being reminded constantly that we cannot do this without our Heavenly Father.

He called us to this journey and He will see us through.

But Satan is working double time to steal our joy and tear us apart.

We refuse to let him win.

We refuse to give up.

When he tells me I can't do this that I'm done, sometimes I start to believe him.

But then I remember that I can do this because I'm not doing this alone.

God is with me.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday was a particularly hard day for me.

It's wasn't really anything that happened that day.

I was simply feeling the weight of everything.

The girls and I attended a baby shower and then spent the afternoon swim suit shopping.

There was some drama there, but no more than should be expected when six girls are shopping for swim suits.

By the time we made it home I was exhausted and an emotional wreck.

I went straight to the bedroom and just let the flood gates open.

I couldn't pull myself together for dinner or even bedtime.

I cried for probably two hours straight.

And I'm talking full on ugly cry.

I'm married to an amazing man who is strong when I am not.

He took care of dinner and bedtime.

He is the best daddy.

Just like I knew he would be.

At one point, one of our sweet daughters came into my room with a vase a flowers and a note saying I was the best mom ever and they had a fun time shopping.

It broke me.

There I was feeling like a failure as a parent and this beautiful girl still loved me.

The kids like to play a game where we share about where we saw Jesus in our day.

I saw Jesus in my daughter in that moment.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

So see...we have our ups and we have our downs.

As do all families.

We just do it with more people than most.

Perfect Chaos

Friday evening for the first time all ten of us were together.

We loaded up into the van and headed home.

They were all so excited.

"How much longer?" was only asked a few hundred times.

When we finally pulled into our drive way they could not get out of the car fast enough.

We showed them all of the downstairs and then we began to show them their bedrooms for the first time.

The excitement remained at an all time high from the first door until the last.

They seem to all love their room and the special touches we added to make it their own.

After the grand tour it was time for our first meal together as a family.

Several of the kids wanted to help me prepare it.

Lots of hands in the kitchen.

It took twice as long to make dinner.

The mess was ten times bigger.

But it was sweet memories together.

Memories that I wouldn't trade for anything.

We watched a movie together after dinner and then tried to settle down for bed.

Sleep...there wasn't a lot of that.

We were all just a bit excited.

They went to bed late and woke up early.

It felt almost like having 8 newborns in the house.


Saturday was a big day.

Our sweet friends Jennifer and Jennifer hosted a beautiful shower for us.

It was a chance to meet family and friends.

What a blessing it was to see our children meet their grandparents,aunts, uncles, cousins, and new friends for the first time.

Sunday morning we got up and went to church as a family.  I think this might have been my favorite part of the weekend.  All ten of us sitting together taking the entire row worshiping our Creator.

A sweet friend made us all matching shirts.  As soon as we opened them on Saturday the children wanted all of us to wear them on Sunday.

And so we were THAT family Sunday morning in our matching shirts.

There may have been some eye rolling from dad, but he's a good sport.  He loves these kids with his whole heart.

 I love that about him.

I remember a time when he said he didn't care if we ever had kids.  I don't think he feels that way anymore. :)

Sunday night was one of the hardest things we've had to do.  We had to say goodbye to 7 of our 8 children one more time. (One moved in on Friday.  It was what is best for her)  Our hearts broke as we drove away.

We are all counting down the days until Friday when everyone can be home for good.

The weekend wasn't perfect.

I would be lying if I said there were no hard moments.

I would be lying if I say it wasn't a chaotic weekend.

It was very chaotic and very new.

Yet it felt normal and like it is the way life has always been.

God has brought our children home.

Now we will do our best with His help to raise them to love Him with all their hearts.

Our Painting & Technology Date

Our three youngest daughters returned from camp this past Thursday.  They were gone for two weeks but it felt more like two months.  I didn't realize just how much I missed them until I saw them Thursday evening.  

We took the two youngest girls out for a date.  I have enjoyed each and every date with them, but I have to admit this was my favorite meal and activity.

We went to Pottery Worx, one of those places where you pick a piece of pottery to paint.  

Our Dancer chose a cat for herself and a dog for dad.  He took his dog painting seriously.

I painted a plate and our other sweet daughter painted an owl.

It was so much fun.  We are looking forward to picking them up soon and seeing our finished products.

We ate at a place called Stoby's afterwards.  Andrew claims it is famous for its cheese dip.  I had never heard of it or their cheese dip, but let me tell you it was GOOD!!

After our date we were able to spend time with seven of the eight kids.

We told them they were going to Skype with family and they could not have been more excited about it.

Most of Andrew's family were together for PB's birthday party so we skyped with them.  They got to "meet" our kids for the first time.  

It was special.

I stood behind the ipad and just cried for a minute.  

I have never been more thankful for technology.

A few of them Face Timed with my parents too.

Our kids are so excited about family - and they don't mean just Andrew and me.  They mean aunts and uncles, grandparents, and cousins.

We start overnight visits soon.

We talk to at least some of the kids every day.  They call us and they call often.

We love it.

They ask every time they call when they can come spend the night.

They are so ready.

We are too.

We are working like crazy to get bedrooms set up for them.

We just keep telling them soon.

Weekend Fun!

Oh what a weekend!

We had a fun filled weekend and none of it had anything to do with the holiday.

Andrew and I pretty much just ignored the fact that it was July 4th.

It wasn't intentional.  It just happened that way.

Thursday evening the most exciting thing of my blog life happened.

I met my best blog friend for the first time.

Not only did I meet her, but she and her husband stayed at our house for a couple of nights.

I found Miranda's blog several years ago through a link up Kelly  (Kelly's Korner) hosted.  We immediately hit off and became "fake" friends as my husband calls it.  Ha!  She and I just seemed to have so much in common and it wasn't long before we were texting and hanging out via technology.

She was visiting Arkansas over the long weekend and it worked out where she and her hubby could stay with us for a few days.

We had so much fun.

I dare say our husbands hit it off great!  48 hours of golf talk.  

Andrew and I are sad they don't live closer so we could hang out more often.

Friday we were telling her about the van we planned to buy.  One thing led to another and before we knew it this happened...

We are now the proud owners of a Nissan NV.  

Plenty of room for us and our eight kiddos!

As we drove it home that afternoon Andrew and I would just look at each other and laugh.

That thing is huge!

Our youngest son has nicknamed it Big Blue.

Seems fitting.

Saturday morning we had to say goodbye to Miranda & Shelby.  :(

Andrew and I then spent the day with two of our boys.

We picked up our oldest son that morning and went to the driving range.  I'm not expert but I think he did a great job and will be out there playing before long. 

We picked up two of the girls and our youngest son for lunch.  

I love watching them interact with one another.

After lunch we took the two girls and our oldest son back home so that we could have an afternoon date with our youngest son.

Bowling and ice cream were on the agenda.

Sunday afternoon we were able to spend some time with our middle son after church.  

We had lunch and then went to a park to play.  He and Andrew threw a football around while I sat and watched.

Sunday on the way home I told Andrew I felt like I was going to be in a constant state of exhaustion for the rest of my life.

I love dating our kids, but the constant driving is exhausting.

I cannot wait to have them home so we can be with all of them all the time.

I cannot wait for them to meet all their grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins.

I cannot wait until I can share their pictures with you.

Dating Our Children

It's new.

Learning how to meet our children and get to know them.

We've compared it to dating and marriage.

It's the closest thing that we have experience with.

Just like we vowed before God, our family, and friends to love one another no matter what, we vow to love these children no matter what.

It's easy right now.

We are in the dating phase of our relationship.

Everything is new and fun and exciting.

But we know the honeymoon phase will eventually end and real life will settle in.

We will have good days and we will have hard days.

We will have days when the love comes easily.

And we will have days where we have to seek forgiveness from one another.

It's all a dream come true.

Our path to parenthood is different than I ever imagined it to be growing up.

Our path is showing me the truth of Ephesians 3:20.  My God is able to do immeasurably more than I could ever ask or think.

We are treasuring every minute of this path.

We met our middle son yesterday for the first time.  It was strange to be back in this place of first introductions.  We were not as nervous this time, but we were equally as excited.

Our sweet boy seemed nervous at first.  

Who could blame him?

We told him how excited we were to finally meet him and we told him how much his brothers and sisters missed him.

We gave him the cards from his brothers and sisters and that seemed to bring out his true personality.  We gave him the option of waiting to read them in private or reading them right then.  He wanted to read them right then.  

It was precious to watch him read his siblings' words to him.  We could tell that it meant the world to him.

We played basketball for a little while.

Andrew beat him at a game of horse.  :)

We walked a few laps around the track and just talked.

He told us he was excited about being adopted and even more excited that it meant he could be with his brothers and sisters again.

The excitement they all have to be adopted all together...

It's why God laid on our hearts to adopt a sibling group.

Their love for one another is a beautiful thing.

Sure they are siblings and they pick on one another, but oh how they love one another.

Last night we took our two oldest daughters out on a date.

We went out to eat and then took them for manicures.

Such a fun girls night, even with Andrew tagging along. :)

He knows how to show three girls a good time and make them feel special.

The girls had never had manicures before and it was fun watching them experience it for the first time.

Our Shy One wanted our nails to match.

That made a momma feel loved.

The Oldest chose bright neon colors.

They could not have been more proud of their new nails.

The night did not seem nearly long enough.

It gets harder and harder to say goodbye at the end of each visit.

And it saddened us that we didn't get to see the other children last night.

We miss them.

We cannot wait for our next visit.

Date Night

Friday night was date night. 

 It was a new kind of date night.  

Friday night I shared my husband with two other beautiful young ladies.

Our daughters.

We picked up The Oldest first.  Another girl in her cottage had fixed her hair in a french braid that ended with beautiful blonde curls falling over her shoulder.  It was a sign to us of the excitement she had for the evening.  

The three of us walked across the street to pick up The Cheerleader.  In true girly girl fashion, she didn't want us to see her until she was completely ready.

It was in those moments that Our Dancer realized she was not going to dinner with us.  The tears came.  They came hard and fast.  Her house mom tried to comfort her.  We tried to help but it was one of those moments when it was best for us to just walk away.  We told her we would be back soon and would visit with her and then we slipped back into the hallway.

In the hallway we saw The Cheerleader all dressed up and ready for our date.  She had picked out a new dress to wear and had one of the other girls curl her hair.  She looked absolutely beautiful.

I smile every time I picture her in my mind.

We realized very quickly that night what a big deal this first date with us was to all them.  To be chosen to go first or to be staying behind...

We want them all to feel special.  We want to get to know all of them.  And they realize we need these small group dates to get to know them, but they each desire for their turn to be now.

There were so many times during the night when I wanted to pull out my phone and snap a picture or record the sound of their laughter and banter with one another.  But at the same time I didn't want anything to get in the way of me soaking up these moments.

We talked to The Oldest about soccer opportunities and watched as she beamed with excitement.

We watched The Cheerleader struggle with her feelings, being torn between what she currently has and what she could have.

Oh The Cheerleader.  She's a fun one.  It was raining when we left the restaurant.  Andrew and I, along with The Oldest, walked in the rain  sprinkle to the car.  The Cheerleader stayed under the awning of the restaurant until Andrew drove the car over to pick her up, which he happily did.  Then she took off her blue jean jacket and held it over head.  

We couldn't let the rain mess up those beautiful curls.  :)

After dinner we took them to get froyo.  As we enjoyed our froyo we showed them pictures of our house and their bedrooms.

Questions started to come out.

"If you adopt us..."

We looked them in the eye and told them we were in this.  We weren't going anywhere.

They've heard those words before and it breaks our hearts that they've been through a placement that didn't work out.

They have walls up that only time and love will bring down.

We are doing everything we can to assure them that we aren't going anywhere and that it is okay for them to feel both sadness and excitement at the same time.

We understand.

When we got back to the campus we were able to see all of the children.  We all met in the dining hall, the place that has become our private place to meet, and gave them supplies to make cards for their brother.  We will meet him on Tuesday and plan to give him these cards.  I think it meant a lot to them to be able to do this and I think it showed them that we care about him too.  Some of the kids were private about their cards and some asked us to read them before they sealed them.

It was a sweet time.

We then gave them each a small gift, a framed copy of our first family portrait from Tuesday along with a card with a note from Andrew and a note from myself.

The tears flowed.

Theirs as they soaked in the photo and read our words, and ours as we watched their tender hearts overflow.

One told us she had never had a family portrait before.

One asked, "When you adopt us can we have family nights where we do stuff together like on Friday nights?"

When she finished reading her card, Our Dancer looked at Andrew and asked if she could call him dad.  He told her she could call him whatever she wanted.

"Ok, Dad" she said.

And then she called him Dad a thousand times.

As we were walking to the dining hall, The Oldest was behind me and called out to me saying "Mom, I picked you a flower."

I heard her, but didn't even realize she was talking to me.

I'm mom?

I am mom.

I laughed throughout the night when different ones would say mom or dad and Andrew and I didn't answer immediately.

We are not used to those names.

But oh how we cherish hearing those names.

It's something we dreamed about for years.

It's something we never dreamed would happen so quickly in this process.

What we thought would be a thirty minute visit with all of the children quickly turned into a couple of hours.  It was late and we were all exhausted and ready for bed.

Yet it was hard to say goodbye and walk away.

As Andrew and I plan our next date it seems to far away.

We miss them the moment we leave.