A Mini Update

Friday, June 16

It's IUI Day!  I woke up feeling blessed.  Just so very blessed.  

I'm very teary this morning.  Liberty has not left my side.  She is very concerned about all the crying going on this morning.  Dogs don't really understand the difference between sad tears and grateful tears.  And it's grateful tears this morning.

I feel covered in prayer by so many people.  There are no words to describe how appreciative I am of that.

Everything seems to be lining up perfect.

It feels like Baby Weaver day.

I'm just happy.  A little reserved and hesitant but a lot happy.


Tuesday, June 20

I had planned to save everything for when we knew the results but I've had  several people message me to ask how I have been feeling and when we would know the results.  Because so many people are praying on our behalf I don't want to leave everyone hanging.  I hate it when books or movies do that.

It's not much but here's the latest update.

The procedure was a little more painful than our first IUI.  Andrew was across the room and I came very close to asking him to come over and hold my hand.  My doctor kept asking the nurse for different instruments.  I just closed my eyes and prayed for God to guide her hands and help her do what she needed to do.  Right as the nurse opened a new tool my doctor said nevermind.  She got it.  Afterwards she told me I did not want them to use that new tool, that it was very painful.  Praise God she didn't have to use it.

When the procedure was over they left me to lie down for about 10 minutes.  I closed my eyes and prayed and just relaxed.  If they had left me there much longer I could have fallen asleep.

With  IUI I was able to resume normal activities once I left the doctor's office.  

I had some cramping that first day which is totally normal.

Saturday, Sunday, and yesterday I had moments throughout the day where I felt nauseous. It sounds silly but if you've dealt with infertility you know that you sometimes have to remind yourself that it can't already be morning sickness.  I'm pretty sure it was a side effect from the trigger shot.  Maybe it has just been nerves.  I don't know.  It's hard not to analyze every little thing I feel.

As for results I have an appointment for Thursday morning to check my progesterone.  This will let us be sure that I did in fact ovulate when we think.  While this is not an indicator of pregnancy it can be an indicator of no pregnancy.  When we did our first IUI back in January by progesterone was very low at this point and we knew then I was not pregnant.   I don't really feel nervous about the appointment.  I believe our timing was spot on and that my progesterone will be where it is supposed to be.

I do fear it being where it is supposed to be and me taking that as a positive pregnancy test even though in my head I know it doesn't work that way.

The big results...well we have a few weeks of waiting before we know anything.  We have not shared the exact date with anyone.  Whether it is positive or negative we want to have time to process the news before sharing with our family and friends.  But don't worry I promise to let you all know something as soon as we are ready to share.

Here We Go Again!

The question I've been getting a lot lately...

"What are you doing this summer?"

My answer...

"Not much"

Which isn't really true at all, but I'm pretty sure it would be a little awkward for some if I answered honestly.

My summer plans include a TON of doctor's appointments.

It's time (hopefully) for IUI #2.

Emotions...I have so many of them.

Let me just walk you through we are at right now.

We took a bit of a break after IUI #1...it just hadn't been the right time.  The break was long enough that everyone at my clinic commented on how excited they were to hear from me.  I seriously love the staff.  They are so sweet and are the biggest cheerleaders for their patients.  

So anyway...we finally decided it was time.

Or maybe I decided, but Andrew agreed. :)

Last month I was on birth control.

Seems counterproductive doesn't it?

The plan was that the birth control would allow my body to rest so that it would be all ready for an IUI.

So I did that and then I had my baseline ultrasound last week.  This is where they check to make sure there are no cysts and my body is ready to start the process.

I had zero cysts!!

That's such a huge praise because I normally have 1-3.  

I have a total of 13 follicles (potential eggs).  She told me this during the ultrasound and how many of the 13 were in each ovary.  I didn't really think much about it other than it sounded good.

Then a few days later I went back and looked to see how many follicles I had at this point when we did IUI #1.

I had 7.  

Another huge praise!

Everything about this cycle feels different and look different.

I feel different during this cycle. 

I feel hopeful and scared.

But I also feel trust, which I'm not sure I did the first time.

I trust that no matter the outcome it's going to be okay.

I trust that God has me in the palm of his hand and he's not letting go.

And I keep telling myself those two things over and over and over.

Because there is that fear and the enemy tries to use that fear to fill me full of lies.

It's a daily struggle.

I will begin home ovulation tests this week.  

My next appointment will be Monday or when I get a positive ovulation test..which ever comes first.  That appointment will determine where we go from there.  I am taking 150mg of Clomid which is the most I've ever taken.  And so far (knock on wood) I haven't had any hot flashes with the Clomid.  

Praise!

I would greatly appreciate your prayers.  Pray that clomid will work and I will have plenty of good healthy eggs.  Pray that I would have the strength to fight the lies that too often fill my head.

Thank you for praying and for walking alongside me in this journey.

Our First IUI

I'm not sure when I will actually post this, but I want to get down the events of the weekend and how I'm feeling.

So...we did our first IUI yesterday (January 29).

I'm still in shock that I'm writing that sentence.

It seems like we have been waiting forever to make it this far and all of a sudden we were there.

I got a positive surge on my ovulation test Saturday morning and called the doctor to let them know.

We were in the middle of dress shopping when the nurse called me back.

Shot at 9:00 that night.

IUI at 9:00 the following morning.

Umm..what?

Cue all the emotions.

Excitement.  Fear.  Hope.  Nervous.

All the emotions.

We were already planning to spend the night with Andrew's mom and dad that evening.  Having given one shot, my mother-in-law had the most shot giving experience.  I am so glad she didn't mind to give me my trigger shot.

I wasn't expecting it to hurt, but I wasn't sure I could inject myself.

I didn't even feel it.  Now I think I could do it myself next time.

The IUI went very smooth.

No pain.

Easy as pie.

It felt like any other appointment we've had.

I kept having to tell myself that was it.

We did it.

The rest of the day was spent resting and attending the symphony.

The distractions were nice.


Fast forward to a week later...February 3.

I went in for blood work so they could check my progesterone.

Late that night I got the results.

My progesterone was 2.9 ng/ml.

That's very low.

I spoke with the nurse Monday afternoon and she confirmed my suspicions.

Progesterone being that low meant that I didn't ovulate when we thought.

I'm not sure why I got the positive surge if I didn't ovulate at that time.

Chances of this being a successful IUI were next to nothing.

I spent the next few days feeling sad and heartbroken.

I also felt dumb for believing this was going to work on the first try.

I wanted to call it quits and walk away.  Yet at the same time I felt impatient and ready to start my next cycle and try again

Infertility brings a huge range of emotions.

And now we're at today....test day.

I went ahead and took a test this morning even though my progesterone levels meant I wasn't pregnant.  I guess I was in denial.

The test confirmed that our first IUI was not successful.

I told myself from the beginning that I would be thankful just to complete an IUI.

And I am.  I am so thankful that we had the chance to do that.  I'm thankful that we know a little more about my cycle than we did before, allowing us to have a better game plan for next time.

We have an appointment next week to discuss a new treatment plan.

I'm not sure when next time will be.

Andrew will be traveling for work soon and we have some other things going on that need to take precedent right now.

An Infertility Update

It's been awhile since I've posted about our infertility journey.

Mainly because it hasn't felt like there is a lot to update you on.

Like I posted a couple of weeks ago, there has just been lots of waiting.

Back in June we attempted to do an IUI.

It did not go as planned.

Long story short we missed ovulation.

Andrew and I felt like we wasted a lot of time and money that month.

We took the month of July off.

Instead of IUI we took off for the Carolinas and enjoyed some much needed infertility-free time away together.  

In August we changed clinics and prepared to do an IUI with them.

School started and it did not start well.

I was stressed out to the point of missing a cycle.  

September arrived and I went in for some blood work.

We decided not to attempt an IUI in September because we wanted to make sure my cycles were back to normal.

Blood work looked great except my FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) was high.  From my understanding that means that I don't have very many eggs and the ones I do have aren't so good.

My doctor will explain it all to us in detail when we go to do our IUI.

October is a bust because my doctor is at a convention and cannot monitor me.

So it's that waiting...waiting until November.  

So that's our update.  

I cannot begin to tell you how much I appreciate your prayers and encouragement.  It's what carries me through the hard days.  

Love to you all!!

Same Journey, Different Path

I find it strange that there are parts of this journey that I have no problems sharing yet  it terrifies me to openly share other parts.

I really believe it is Satan trying to keep me from sharing.  

Sharing your story may not be for everyone.  It's a very personal thing.

But it helps me.  It helps me to know others are praying for us and with us.

It helps me to read the stories of others, to know that I'm not alone.

One of the biggest lies Satan tells me is that I'm alone in this journey.

I refuse to believe that and blogging about this journey is one of the many ways I fight off this lie.

All that to say that Andrew and I have made a decision as to our next step in this journey and I'm struggling to share it.

I guess I worry about criticism from others.

Thankfully there hasn't been any of that yet.

It was a hard decision for me.  It feels like a selfish decision.  I have felt like it was not acceptable for me to make this decision.

But after many prayers, lots of conversations, tears (on my part), and several double stuffed oreos (again on my part - they make me feel better), we have reached a decision.

A decision that we feel good about.

In my last post, I shared that we had been matched with a sibling group of three.

We have decided not to pursue adoption of them.

They need more than Andrew and I feel like we can give them.

It's a hard decision.  They are cute as can be and need a safe, loving home.

It's hard to say no to that.  

But we feel it would not be fair to these kids for us to bring them into our home, knowing we cannot provide for them all that they need.

With that decision, we have also decided to take a new path in this journey.

We have an appointment next month at Arkansas Fertility.  

We hope to begin IUI (intra-uterine insemination).

If you've been around for awhile, you may remember that we had lots of testing done two years ago and were diagnosed with unexplained infertility.

The process of IUI is fairly simple compared to other treatments.

Basically I will go on medication to make sure that I ovulate and I will also give myself a shot (it's just one, it's just one little shot) to time ovulation.

They will take a sample from Andrew, wash it (so weird) and insert it into me, bypassing my cervix.

It's all very strange and scientific.

Not at all how I thought this whole baby making thing would go.  

I am both very excited and very scared about this whole process.

I'm trying to find faith and believe this will work, yet feeling very pessimistic.

When you go five years without seeing a positive its hard to think  you will ever see one.

I've heard success stories - people getting pregnant with their first round of IUI.

I've heard stories of people who have done four or five rounds of IUI and still haven't gotten pregnant.

I don't know which category we will fall in, but I do know God is with us and he will walk us through this next part of our journey.

Unexplained Infertility

Andrew and I had our follow up appointment with Dr. M last week to discuss our test results and our next step.  I really wasn't sure how the appointment would go since all of our test results came back normal.  We have unexplained infertility meaning he cannot see any medical reason why we have not been able to get pregnant.  It is the best yet most frustrating result.  I am so incredibly thankful that there is nothing major that is wrong with either one of us.  

But where does that leave us?  

We have been trying on our own to get pregnant for over three years now and the only results we have gotten are negative ones.

Dr. M believes that our next step should be IUI.  You can read more about what all that entails here.  

How do we feel about that next step?

Well it is certainly a big decision.  One that we will not make lightly or without prayer.  

We are open to the idea, but we just want to make sure that if we choose to go that route we are making the right decision at the right time.

I'm a little fearful of IUI simply because it already hurts each month when the answer is yet again "not yet".  I can't imagine getting a negative result after going through something as big as IUI.  I know people have done it and have come out on the other side stronger than ever, but right now I just can't imagine that for myself.

For now we are simply trusting God will give us the desire of our hearts in His perfect timing.