Here We Go Again!

The question I've been getting a lot lately...

"What are you doing this summer?"

My answer...

"Not much"

Which isn't really true at all, but I'm pretty sure it would be a little awkward for some if I answered honestly.

My summer plans include a TON of doctor's appointments.

It's time (hopefully) for IUI #2.

Emotions...I have so many of them.

Let me just walk you through we are at right now.

We took a bit of a break after IUI #1...it just hadn't been the right time.  The break was long enough that everyone at my clinic commented on how excited they were to hear from me.  I seriously love the staff.  They are so sweet and are the biggest cheerleaders for their patients.  

So anyway...we finally decided it was time.

Or maybe I decided, but Andrew agreed. :)

Last month I was on birth control.

Seems counterproductive doesn't it?

The plan was that the birth control would allow my body to rest so that it would be all ready for an IUI.

So I did that and then I had my baseline ultrasound last week.  This is where they check to make sure there are no cysts and my body is ready to start the process.

I had zero cysts!!

That's such a huge praise because I normally have 1-3.  

I have a total of 13 follicles (potential eggs).  She told me this during the ultrasound and how many of the 13 were in each ovary.  I didn't really think much about it other than it sounded good.

Then a few days later I went back and looked to see how many follicles I had at this point when we did IUI #1.

I had 7.  

Another huge praise!

Everything about this cycle feels different and look different.

I feel different during this cycle. 

I feel hopeful and scared.

But I also feel trust, which I'm not sure I did the first time.

I trust that no matter the outcome it's going to be okay.

I trust that God has me in the palm of his hand and he's not letting go.

And I keep telling myself those two things over and over and over.

Because there is that fear and the enemy tries to use that fear to fill me full of lies.

It's a daily struggle.

I will begin home ovulation tests this week.  

My next appointment will be Monday or when I get a positive ovulation test..which ever comes first.  That appointment will determine where we go from there.  I am taking 150mg of Clomid which is the most I've ever taken.  And so far (knock on wood) I haven't had any hot flashes with the Clomid.  

Praise!

I would greatly appreciate your prayers.  Pray that clomid will work and I will have plenty of good healthy eggs.  Pray that I would have the strength to fight the lies that too often fill my head.

Thank you for praying and for walking alongside me in this journey.

A New Path

A few weeks ago I shared with my sister-in-law some thoughts I had been having about the struggle to get pregnant.   They were ugly thoughts, thoughts that I hadn't even shared with Andrew at that point. They were thoughts that made me feel ashamed.

 She was so sweet to offer encouragement and not an ounce of judgement for my ugly thoughts.  She very wisely reminded me that the thoughts I was having were from Satan.

He is real.  The battle is real.

And on that particular day I needed to be reminded of that.

Fast forward a couple of days...Andrew and I went to church for the first time in a while.  Our lack of attendance...well that's another blog post for another time.  That morning at church there was a special guest from an organization called The Call who spoke about becoming a foster parent and adoption.  At the time I didn't really think anything of it.  He was there because November is national adoption month.

He couldn't possibly have been there because God was in the process of doing something HUGE in my life.  Or so I thought....

A few more days go by and then Andrew decides he is ready for us to do a round of IUI with my next cycle which would be sometime next month.  I wanted to be excited about this possibility, but something about it just didn't feel right.  I didn't have any peace about it.

The very next day a family friend sends me a text message about a baby boy who was born at the beginning of last month and would soon be up for adoption.  I shared the information with Andrew.

We talked about it and prayed about it.

It was clear to both of us that adoption was the path we were supposed to take.

Not IUI.

Andrew started doing some research.  He was looking at photos of kids available for adoption when he found a sibling group of 5.

God's plan all of a sudden seemed a little clearer.

The next day Andrew called DHS to inquire about the five siblings and the baby boy.

The siblings are very close to having their adoption finalized and the baby boy hasn't been green lighted yet so they could not discuss his case with us.

Through those phone calls we learned that we need to go through several classes and have a home study done to be an open home.  We cannot be considered available to adopt until we have done those steps.

It seems like the decision to take this path was sudden and out of nowhere but God knew all along.  We believe without a doubt that this is how God is going to grow our family.  We believe that God is calling us to adopt a sibling group.

Next Tuesday we are attending an informational meeting with The Call to learn more about the process of becoming an open home.  We hope to sign up for classes and get the ball rolling.

We've talked about adoption before even before we started trying to conceive, but I never really believed that this would be a part of our story.

I'm thankful this is a part of our story.

We could not be more excited to start this part of our journey.

We ask that you join us in prayer for wisdom and guidance as we began walking down the path of adoption.

We love you all.

Hanging on to Hope

Sixty days.

That's the length of my last cycle.

It's a new record.

My body frustrates me.

Despite four negative tests and the fact that I had no signs of pregnancy part of me still believed that I was in fact pregnant, that this was my month.  Why else would my body torture me with the a cycle that seemed to last forever?  I let my hopes get so high that I scheduled a blood test at a local clinic in town for Thursday afternoon.  I didn't tell Andrew because I just knew I was going to be able to surprise him with good news.

And then I went to the bathroom.  

There was no need for a blood test.

Once again another cycle that didn't result in a pregnancy. 

I'm not sure how I  made it through the rest of the afternoon.  I felt like I was on autopilot trying not to break down in front of a room full of 6th graders.

As soon as I got in my car that afternoon the tears came.  

Oh the tears came.

To put it mildly I threw a screaming kicking fit.  I wanted to give up.  A part of me did give up.  I wanted to tell everyone we were never having kids.  I'm sorry to disappoint everyone but we all need to move on.  I needed the option to disappear.  I needed it to be a non-issue.

It wasn't pretty.  

As if the pain wasn't enough I came home to a package I had ordered a few weeks ago.  A sweet little shirt that says miracle baby.

I cried even harder.

It's funny because while the beginning of a new cycle can cause more pain than I could ever begin to describe to you, it also brings a new hope.  It's a new opportunity to try again.  It's another chance for God to bless us beyond our wildest dreams.

This journey of waiting is not an easy one.  Some days it seems unbearable.  

But I have hope.  Some have called it naivety.  But I KNOW that I serve a God who hears my cries, who knows the desires of my heart, and who loves me more than I could ever imagine.

His mercies are new each and every morning.

A Letter In Waiting: My Baby's Daddy

To my beautiful first born,

When I dream about you one of the things I look forward to the most is watching your daddy with you.  I know he is going to love you so much.  He already does.  He doesn't show it or talk about it like I do, but I know he dreams about meeting you just as much as I do.  

You are one lucky kid to have a daddy like him.  He will make you laugh harder than you ever thought possible.  Your daddy is constantly telling stories, making up songs, or cracking jokes.  His sense of humor is one of the things I love most about him and I have no doubt that you will love that about him too.  When you want to cry, Daddy will make you laugh.

You'll never be bored because you have a daddy who loves nothing more than to make up crazy games to play.  He and your cousins, Cody & Pryce, are always making up a new game to play.  They love a good competition.  Don't ever expect your daddy to let you win.  He won't do it.  He wants you to always give your very best and he wants you to learn to be a gracious loser.   

Not only is he funny and competitive, but your daddy is the smartest person I know.  He is going to teach you more than you can imagine.  He loves history and will drag you on many educational vacations.  But you'll enjoy them because he has a way of doing that.  His excitement for things is contagious.

Your daddy will teach you how to share the love of Christ with the people around you.  He will teach you how to serve others when he buys diapers for the single mom who doesn't have enough money or when he returns an elderly's person cart for them.  He will teach you to be thankful when he buys lunch for the soldier behind him in line.  I know because it is through these actions that he has taught me to share the love of Christ.  

Your daddy isn't perfect but he will love you with everything he has.  He will take care of you when you are sick.  He will cry with you when you are sad and hold your hand when you are afraid.  He will pray for you.  He will laugh with you.  

He will probably be your favorite person in the world.  I know he's mine.

I love you sweet baby of mine.

Mommy

Admitting Infertility

I always imagined that when Andrew and I decided it was time to have a baby it would be this very sweet and personal decision.  No one would know we were trying and then BAM we would surprise the world - well maybe not the world but our family and friends -  with the most exciting news of our lives.

Three years later and things have gotten a little less sweet and little less personal.

I am constantly going back and forth with how much of this journey I am comfortable with sharing on my blog.  My blog is my scrapbook.  It's our memories and there is a part of me that wants to record every little detail because of that.  I want to remember everything including what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling about this whole process.

But there's also a part of me that wants to keep this journey as private and personal as possible.  

Maybe I can find that fine line of sharing this journey for memories sake but also keeping it personal for us.

If you follow me on instagram you've probably noticed that I've had a few doctor's appointments lately.   Andrew and I had our first appointment at Arkansas Fertility the last week of May.  It was such a strange feeling walking into that building.  I was incredibly nervous and excited and so many other emotions all at the same time.  I had no idea what to expect and was slightly fearful that it was going to be a painful experience.  Plus I was walking into a doctor's office to talk about something very personal with a complete stranger.  Nothing like telling a complete stranger all about your period and your sex life.  

Then I walked into the waiting room and saw all these other couples sitting there waiting.  I can't explain what I felt.  Just looking at those couples and knowing they were there for the same reason we were.  My heart broke for them and even though I didn't know them I wanted to walk up to each one of them and hug them and tell them I was praying for them.  It was also encouraging to me because it was like "Okay, we are not alone.  Other people are walking on this journey too."  I also thought about our sweet niece, Amelia, and how she was in our lives with the help of the staff in that building.  

I felt encouraged.

That first appointment was very anti-climatic.  I'm not sure what I expected...maybe walking out with a positive pregnancy test?  Ha!  Just kidding.  I just had it built up in my head to be this huge deal.  We were finally admitting infertility and seeking help and in my mind that was huge.  Turns out that just means more waiting.  

We were there two hours for probably 30 minutes worth of conversation and testing.

This guy though...he kept me entertained the entire time.  There is no one else I would rather wait with.  

Since that first appointment Andrew has gone in for his test and I've had two more appointments - one of which was just blood work.

All test have yielded "normal" results.  Nothing is jumping out as a problem.  

That is such a blessing and I am so thankful that everything looks normal.

We're normal.  We've been tested.

Ha!

But at the same time it feels like we aren't getting any answers.  They haven't said this is why you haven't gotten pregnant and this is how we are going to fix it.

I've said from the beginning that I thought it would be hard for me to not put too much faith in the doctors and human ability.  Everything being normal sort of eliminates that issue.  I'm left with no choice but to continue to trust in God for this sweet baby of ours.

That in itself is an answer to prayer.

Our next step is to schedule a follow up with our doctor.  I'm not really sure where we go from here.  I have no idea what he will suggest and I'm not even really sure what we are prepared to do. 

Neither one of us feel ready to do anything major like IVF not to mention that it isn't an option financially right now.  

I just keep praying and hoping that we won't need the follow up appointment.  At my HSG test this week the X-ray tech told me that her daughter-in-law found out she was pregnant with twins the month after her HSG.  I've heard multiple stories like that.

I would gladly take that outcome.

But if we have twins - which I would LOVE - we are going to need someone to move in with us.  

1945

One morning a few months ago while I was getting ready I set my phone to shuffle "Christian" music.  I made up my mind to just listen to whatever played that morning.  I needed something new and fresh.  I wanted to worship with an intensity that had honestly been missing.

1945 by Jaime Grace came on.  I'll admit I almost changed it.  It wasn't the worship song I was looking for.  But I continued to listen to it anyway.

-------------------------------------------

Looking at the radio caught up in a dream

'Bout the days gone by when no one had a TV

Hopin' that the weather man would say good things

Like no rain on Friday for the drive in movie

Little kids didn't have a care

There was love growin' up everywhere

But when I open my eyes and the dream stops playin

You can still find me somewhere saying

I shoulda been born in '45

In '54 I woulda been 9

Lovin' my record player by my side

That woulda been nice yeah, that woulda been nice

I should have been born in '45

My first pair of high heels in '59

White shirt, poodle skirt, silk hair tie

Dancing in the moonlight 

That woulda been nice

Ooo Ooh

Oh that woulda been nice

Ooo Ooh

Boombox on my shoulder with my favorite tape

I'm reppin my 8 tracks and my buckle up skates

How do I know about that you say

You say

You wear bell bottom jeans get a double take

From all the guys and the girls who look your way

Back then people didn't always agree

But the love goin round was revolutionary and

Even though the world was crazy

I'd still go if my dreams could take me oh

I should been born in '65

In '74 I would been 9

Tryna' get home after playin outside

Racin' street lights, racin street lights

I should been born in '65

I would been a teenager round'79

Teasing my hair so it looks just right

On a Saturday night, yeah

That woulda been nice

Growin' up I never really had a care

There was love all the time and everywhere

And even though sometimes my world may get a little crazy

I find myself bein proud when I say

I coulda been born in '45

But the truth is I got here right on time

And I thank God for every day of life

It suits me just right, it suits me just right

And lovely 1991

That's the year that I come from

And I wouldn't wanna trade it for another time

I love this life yeah

I love this life

Ooo Ooh

I love this life

Ooo Ooh

I love this life

-----------------------------------------------

By the end of the song I was bawling and lifting my hands in praise.  There have been countless times when I thought I knew exactly when Andrew and I should become parents.  Times when I thought it would be perfect if I was pregnant in that month because then we could announce it this way and the baby would be born in that month and on and on.

God used this song to remind of a BIG truth.  His timing is perfect.  It might have been nice to have my baby come at this time or that but the truth is God will give us our baby right on time and it will be perfect.  

Why Did You Doubt?

Immediately he made the disciples get into the boat and go before him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowds.  And after he had dismissed the crowds, he went up on the mountain by himself to pray.  When evening came, he was there alone, but the boat by this time was a long way from the land, beaten by the waves, for the wind was against them.  And in the fourth watch of the night he came to them, walking on the sea.  But when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were terrified, and said, "It is a ghost!" and they cried out in fear. 

 But immediately Jesus spoke to them, saying,

"Take heart; it is I.  Do not be afraid."

And Peter answered him, "Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water."  

He said, "Come."

So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus.  But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, "Lord, save me."  Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, 

"O you of little faith, why did you doubt?"

And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased.  And those in the boat worshiped him, saying, "Truly you are the Son of God."



Matthew 14:22-31

How often I am like Peter - wanting proof that God is who he says he is.  And then momentarily believing only to be scared by another negative pregnancy test or another monthly cycle.

And then I find myself doubting again.

God is calling me to have faith, to have confidence in him.  He is calling me to believe that he will reach out and take my hand just like he did with Peter.  He is calling me to believe he is who he says he is despite my circumstances.

God is bigger than my circumstances.  

A Letter in Waiting

Several weeks ago I wrote about how everyone waits in their own way.  There is no right way to wait.  I have found that's even true within my own marriage.  Andrew and I wait differently even while we wait together for the same thing.  We are not wired the same way.

Though some days it drives me crazy when he doesn't get as worked up about something as I do, most of the time I'm thankful for his logical, man way of thinking.

 It keeps me sane.

 It keeps me from becoming overly stressed.

 He is my constant reminder that God is the one in control.  Not us.

We both want a baby.  But we show that and we feel that in two very different ways.  It doesn't mean that one of us wants a baby more than the other.  It just means we are two different people.

We wait differently.

Something that helps me in my waiting that I'm not sure my husband completely understands is spending hours online looking at all things baby: nurseries, clothes, photo op ideas, etc.

Our children have a full library already.  Andrew doesn't "get" why I have boxes of books for a child I don't yet have in a closet.

It's not how he waits.

The other day as I was thinking about our time of waiting I felt led to write my someday baby a letter.  I want to write my children letters about special occasions and dreams and thoughts throughout their life.  Then when they turn 18 or when they get married or when they have their first child, I can give them this box of letters - this box of love.

So I'm stepping out on this scary limb and posting my first letter here on the blog for the entire world to see.  To be honest, I'm not sure why I'm sharing it.  I just feel like I'm supposed to.  My prayer is that maybe, just maybe, God will use this letter in ways I can't even imagine.





To my beautiful first born,

    I am sitting here tonight wondering about you.  I wonder if you will look more like me or your Daddy. 

   I wonder if you will be a star basketball player like Daddy or a bookworm like me.

  I wonder if you will tell stories with the same enthusiasm that your Daddy does. 

  I wonder if you will love school the same way I always have.

  I wonder what your favorite food will be and what your first word will be. 

  I wonder what you will be when you grow up. 

  I wonder how your Daddy and I will feel the first time we hear your little heartbeat or the first time we look into your eyes.  

I wonder what will make you laugh and what will make you cry.

There are so many things that I wonder about.  I could never list them all.  I cannot wait until I get to meet you and hold you in my arms for the first time.  I cannot wait to watch you learn and grow as I discover all the answers to my "I wonders".

I love you sweet baby with my whole heart.

Mommy.

 

There's No Right Way to Wait

Married ten years.  No longer newlyweds.

Yet there aren't any children running around this big ol' house of ours. 

Sometimes I feel like we are the only couple in the world who fits this category.  

It seems like everyone else is either newlyweds or chasing a toddler around the house.

For me the hardest part of this wait for children is the not understanding why.  

I often find myself crying out to God asking why.  Why do we have to wait?  What is it that we are supposed to learn in this wait?

I don't know the answer to that question.  I'm not sure I will ever know the answer to that question.

Andrew & I made an appointment to visit a fertility clinic.  I was convinced that if I could just get some answers as to why it was taking so long that I would feel better.  I would have peace about the situation.

Together we made the decision to cancel that appointment.  It's just not time for us.

For us it is too soon. 

I realize that I could see the very best of fertility doctors and still not receive an answer as to why we have to wait.

That is something only my heavenly Father knows.

Right now I don't trust myself to visit a doctor that specializes in fertility problems and not put all of my hope and faith in that doctor.

I'm trying to believe God.  Not just believe that God did for others and will do for others.  I want to really believe that God will do for me what he says he will do.  I want to grow my faith.

There are times when it seems like we have been trying forever.  But then there are times when I know we haven't been trying all that long and it will happen for us.

One thing I am learning through this journey is that the wait is different for everyone.  I know plenty of couples who after two years were already knee deep in some type of treatment or in the process of adoption.  There's nothing wrong with that.

But it isn't right for us.  At least not right now.

I've learned that everyone has a suggested solution to our situation.  I welcome these suggestions.  I pray about these suggestions.

And then I worry that people will be offended if I don't follow their suggestion.

But in the end Andrew & I have to do what is right for us.  We have to do what we feel comfortable with - what we have peace about.

At this moment, we have peace about continuing to wait.  We believe that it will happen for us and right now we don't believe we need the help of doctors to make that happen.

There is no right way to wait.  

Working in our Waiting

Christmas is only 14 days away.  14 days ya'll!!

2014 is only 21 days away.  

How crazy is that?!?

The moments of this year have been slow yet the year has flown by.

Ever since we started TTC I have felt like I lived life in two week increments.  There are the two weeks between ovulation and AF when I'm constantly back and forth between convincing myself I'm pregnant this month and convincing myself I'm not.
It's a vicious cycle.
Then there are the two weeks between AF and ovulation when I'm just looking forward to our next chance.  During those two weeks I tell myself it didn't happen this month but next month will be the month.

I'll admit I have found it very hard to have faith in this area of life.  I believe that God will give us children someday.  Yes children - not just one.  Yet each month I find it hard to believe that it will happen that month.  

I believe God did a huge thing this past weekend with my post about waiting.  Andrew & I both received more encouragement than I ever dreamed about.  I have friends struggling with the same thing & I had no idea.  Satan was winning the battle and we were keeping our struggles bottled up inside.

Not anymore!  

I'm not alone in waiting and neither are you.

My sweet sister-in-law Joy, along with several others of you, shared some pretty awesome things with me.  You may not be waiting for a baby like I am, but so many of you are waiting for something.

You are waiting for a job, for a husband, for a healed marriage, for a loved one to find their way back to Christ, for a drug addiction to end.... the list could go on and on.

We seem to all be waiting.

Waiting is hard.  In my simple mind NOW is the perfect time for a baby.  But I also would have said that this time a year ago - before I knew that God was going to provide Andrew with a new job and us with a new adventure that meant living apart for six months.  That would not have been the most fun time to be pregnant.

God sees the bigger picture.  He sees the whole picture.  He knows what is ahead when we can only see what is right in front of us.

As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Isaiah 55:9

After my last post I received so many encouraging words and scriptures that have been my anchor this past week as I learned that I'm hearing again this month "Not yet my child".  I want to share this encouragement with you for whatever it is you are waiting for.

This is a song that Joy shared with me.  I've only listened to it a thousand times since she shared it with me and every time results in a big ol' ugly cry with arms raised in worship to my Father who is with me.  He is always with me.  He is working in my waiting.

Waiting

It's something we do every day.

It's something I struggle with.  Often.

I tend to be a little impatient.

I pray for something and claim to trust in God's perfect timing.  But with my very next breath I decide I know the best time and that it is now.

I think to myself I've waited two and a half years and I'm okay with that.  I have survived that.  But please don't make me wait three years or five years or more.

You may or may not remember this post I wrote back in 2010 about submitting to my husband in the area of children.

Not long after I wrote that post, Andrew and I decided together that it was time for me to stop taking birth control.  

I just knew this was God's reward for me because I had submitted.

We began planning exactly when we would have a baby.  And then we didn't get pregnant in the month we had planned.

Several more months went by and there was still no positive hpt.

I have cried and I have stressed.

We agreed not to share our decision with anyone for several reasons.  

We had no idea it wouldn't happen right away.

There have been many times when I have hated keeping it a secret.  I did share with my best friend, Traci.  I am so incredibly thankful for her listening hear and shoulder to cry on.  She has let me talk when I needed to talk, vent when I needed to vent, and just remain silent when there were no words.  She has encouraged me and hoped with me each month.  Poor girl knows as much about my monthly cycle as I do.  Ha!

Of course Andrew has done all of those things too.  But sometimes you just need a woman to talk to.  

There have also been many times when I've been glad it was a secret.  There was no one constantly asking how it was going.  There was no outside pressure.

Over the past few months we have started to share with people if they happen to ask.  I'll admit I was not happy about sharing at first. 

But I find such peace and am constantly encouraged in knowing that others are praying for Baby Weaver right along with us.

I've debated blogging about all of this for a long time.  I'm afraid that I will use this as a place to vent/whine when I'm having a hard day.  I don't want to do that.

I don't want our struggle to have a baby to be a constant conversation.

I need people to let me talk when I want to talk, but to otherwise know it isn't an approved topic of conversation.

That may be harsh.  But there are times when it just hurts too bad to talk about it.  If you have struggled to have a baby, then I'm sure you understand.

It's not that I don't want to talk about it at all, but I don't want every conversation I have with people to be about having a baby.  

I need people to understand when I say I can't talk about it right then.

Most days I don't mind talking about it.  But then there are the hard days...

I'm not ready to use the word infertility to describe our situation.  I'm not ready to have people feel sorry for us.

But I am ready to share that we've been waiting over two years.  I'm ready to share that I believe ALL hpt return a negative result.

I'm ready to share that we covet your prayers.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be thirty years old and married for almost ten years and not have someone to call me mommy.

I think that's why I had such a hard time with turning thirty.

I know God's timing and God's will are perfect.  No matter what that means.

But I'm believing Him for Baby Weaver.  I'm expecting to be expecting soon.  I'm praying and trusting that God will give me the desires of my heart. 

It would mean the world to me if you would pray and believe with me.

Merry Christmas!

This year it seems that I have been dreaming more than ever about future Christmases that Andrew and I will share with our children. I haven't been sad about it. Excited is actually the word I would use. I trust that someday God will show us that it is the right time for us to start adding to our family. I cannot wait for that time.

I have truly enjoyed hearing the memories that my friends are making with their young children. Watching them do whatever it takes to make their child's wish come true.

I cannot wait until we have our turn to be scouring the town and the internet looking for that special item.

Sharing about the birth of Jesus is the thing I look forward to most. I have gotten so many good ideas on ways to do this from friends and family. I want our children to know the real reason we celebrate Christmas and that it isn't about getting gifts. It's about giving to others because we ourselves have been blessed. It's about celebrating the birth of the One who came to this earth to save us from our sins.

I pray for those who are lonely this Christmas season, whether it be because, like us, they don't have the children they dream about, or because they've lost a loved one. I pray that they would find peace in Jesus and that he would be their comfort this season.

Merry Christmas to you and yours. We love you!


-The Weavers

I've Got The Fever!

It's not the time first time I've caught the fever. I'm sure it won't be the last time I catch it either. But I've definitely got it right now...

A bad case of baby fever. All it took was a very brief conversation about nursery decor. And I do mean brief.

Andrew and I went into a furniture store Saturday. He wanted to show me a painting he saw in there awhile back. While strolling through, I saw a chair that was the exact fabric/style that I have in mind for a nursery.

No, we aren't expecting, but I'm always looking at nursery ideas. See, I don't want to find out the sex of the baby ahead of time. But at the same time I want a cute stylish nursery. So I'm always looking. This used to give me the fever, but I've gotten past that. Or maybe I just don't look as often anymore.

Anyways, I saw this chair that was perfect. I asked Andrew what he thought of the color combination. When he agreed that he liked it, I told him why I was wondering. He felt like it was a gender neutral combo.

I was ecstatic that he liked what I liked. And that's all it took. Now I'm dreaming of babies and nurseries and all the fun stuff.

But at the same time, I'm completely okay about not having a baby right now. I have submitted this area to my husband and to my Heavenly Father. I'm trusting them completely. God has shown me on more than one occasion over the past several months that this was not the season of life in which we should have children. I know that His timing is perfect and that His ways are higher than mine. For that I'm thankful.

But I can't help but to search for nursery ideas. At least by the time we do have a baby I might have some idea of what I want. Right?

This Season of Life

I've heard people talk about the different seasons of their lives. I've been thinking about that lately. I have to admit I only remember older people talking about the seasons of their lives. I don't think you recognize seasons when you are young, at least not any other than spring, summer, fall, & winter. Maybe the seasons of life are something you look back on.

Even the Bible says there are seasons, a time for everything.

"There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace. "
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

I know that Andrew and I are in a season. It's a season that requires us to spend a lot of time apart. Right now he has to be gone two weeks out of the month every month until the end of the year. It's a time when I am completely busy with school. I gave up my prep recently and now teach 7 classes a day without a break other than lunch.

But it's just a season.

I have to say that in a way, I'm loving this season. Through it, I'm watching my marriage grow stronger every day. When you only have two weeks together each month, you want to make the most of time. We don't argue over silly things like where or what to eat. I find that we are both a lot less selfish in this season. We both seem to be very focused on each other and what the other one needs instead of our own needs. We laugh, we talk, and we just have fun together.

Not that our marriage was in the pits before, but it is just so much sweeter now. It is one of those things that I can't really put into words. I just so LOVE our time together lately, more than I ever have.

In fact our marriage is so much sweeter now, that I'm finding myself thankful that the Lord hasn't seen fit to give us children yet. When I look at what we would have brought our children into as opposed to what we will bring them into... I choose the future every time.

Sunday I jokingly said to Andrew it shouldn't matter to him if we have kids now because he is never home anyway. He just looked at me and said, "Exactly! I want to be home when we have kids."

Um wow....how has it never dawned on me that I would be alone more often than not with our child if we had one now. Thank you Jesus for knowing better than I do.

This little epiphany was intensified last night. I was grading a HUGE stack of papers. In fact I graded from 5:30 to 9:00 nonstop last night and didn't finish, but that's beside the point. Liam, being the easy dog that he is, was asleep and oblivious to the world. Liberty, though, was by my side crying because I wasn't paying any attention to her. She wanted to play fetch, but I didn't have the time. I can ignore my dog fairly easy and with only a small amount of guilt. But I just sat there thinking...what if I had a baby right now? Andrew is gone. I had a TON of stuff to do. And if I had a baby to take care of..... I would probably have lost it.

Again...God's ways are higher than my ways. For that I'm so thankful.


So we're in this season... a season of time apart, long hours, and no babies.

A season that I'm enjoying.... a season that I'm thankful for.... a season God knows we needed....a season that is making us stronger as husband and wife....a season that I wouldn't trade for anything.

Pregnant?

Nope not us! But it seems like everyone else.

About a month ago I read a post on Courtney's blog about submitting to your husband. In her post she stated that if you and your husband ever disagree about something you should let your husband lead and make the decision. The Lord immediately brought to mind the timing of children. I am ready to start having children, but Andrew isn't quite there yet. No sooner than He had brought this to mind, I began arguing with him. If I let my husband make this huge decision then I wouldn't get my way. We would be waiting to have kids. I even questioned my husband's ability to seek God's will and not his own on this decision.

I fought the Lord on this for several days and then just sort of forgot about it. A week later the Lord brought it back to mind. Only this time when He did, I wasn't arguing. I had complete peace about submitting in this area. God showed me that it wasn't up to me anyway. I never really had control over the situation, nor does Andrew. By submitting to my husband what I'm really doing is submitting to my Father.

The Lord was also good to remind me of several times in our marriage where the husband made a big decision with me in mind. Those were times when I felt such a deep love by my husband.

He also showed me that I needed to seek forgiveness in this area. I had made the statement on more than one occasion that this time next year I was going to stop taking birth control and the husband could do with that what he pleased. God helped me realize how disrespectful this was of me.

Through all of this, primarily the beginning, I questioned whether or not this was really God speaking to me or me just making this up on my own. Before I shared any of this with the husband, I shared my feelings with my sister-in-law Joy. I knew that she would give me good Biblical advice. I knew what she was going to say before I even spoke to her, which is why I didn't share with her in the very beginning. I was fighting and wasn't ready to hear it.

With her encouragement and a conviction from God, I finally shared my heart with Andrew. It wasn't easy for me. I don't know why, but I found it very difficult to share all this with him. It was especially hard to admit that I was disrespectful and ask for his forgiveness.

But I did. And I've had such peace about not having children yet since then. I know that God's timing is perfect. And I trust my husband to seek God's timing in this.

Since all of this happened just a few weeks ago, I've learned of six people who just found out they were expecting. I have been able to truly be happy for them. I wonder why it's the right time for couples who have only been married a couple of years and it isn't the right time for us when we've been married almost 7 years. And then I think about how rough our first year or two of marriage was and how much sweeter it is now. I imagine how much sweeter it will get as we wait to add to our family. God is still growing us as people, as Christians. I see that and realize waiting is well worth it.

Numbers

I am twenty-six years old. I have been married for six years. I have zero kids. Some people have a hard time understanding why that is so, especially when they know I want kids. All that together makes Mother's Day fill me with a range of emotions wider than I think I've ever known.

I have ten loving and caring sibling-in-laws. One of them understands what it is like to wait for a child. She waited ten years before trying to conceive and then another three before God blessed her with this beautiful little girl.

Jill blessed me Sunday evening with a mother to be gift. No we are not expecting, but someday I will be a mom. And that qualifies me for a mom to be. :) I was so surprised to receive a gift and even more thrilled when I opened the box and found this.


I posted about wanting one of these two months ago.
I can't wait to get it into my flowerbed. Mine is pink and green which go perfectly with our huge tree and nine azaleas.



There are seventeen days of school left. Two of those are student-free days.

My surgery is in thirty-seven days. I will not be able to walk or drive for at least thirty days afterwards. Right now all things in my life are measured around those thirty days. Everything must be done before the 17th of June or after the 17th of July.

Andrew will be going to Texas soon, possibly on the 15th of this month. The number of days he will be gone is MUCH bigger than I like. While he isn't one hundred percent sure, the number of days gone will probably be bigger than fourteen. I will be home alone with our two dogs during that time. I already have lots planned to keep myself busy.

With all these numbers, I might just be ready to teach math next year.

Happy Tuesday!!

I HEART BOOKS!

One of my favorite past times is reading. I love books. I think I always have. I definitely remember being the kid in school who would try to hid whatever novel I was currently reading behind my history or math book. My two best friends and I would each buy a different book and then trade them among the three of us.

My favorite author has a child was Judy Blume. I loved "Just As Long As We're Together". That is probably the only book I've read multiple times. As I got older I went through a spell where I didn't really read very often. I was too old for the books I had been reading, yet I didn't enjoy books that my mother was reading either... Danielle Steele and John Grisham. Okay so I never tried them,but they just didn't appeal to me. Around that time my Aunt Judy introduced me to a new author Karen Kingsbury. I read "Halfway to Forever" and was instantly hooked on Karen Kingsbury and Christian fiction. Karen Kingsbury is now my favorite author easily!! I have read all of her books except a couple. I will be reading those next month. I have a weird thing where I won't read any book in a series until they are all out. I don't like to be left hanging.

I also have a love for children's books. I love their simple messages and amazing illustrations. My sister-in-law Jill bought books for her children before she was even pregnant with Amelia. I loved this idea and have started doing the same. As of today, Baby Weaver has over 60 books. Oh how I hope I have a child who shares my love for books. :)

Most of those 60+ books have come from the Scholastic Warehouse sales. I love these. You can get books for up to 80% off. They have a sale in my area going on right now. I recently learned that you can volunteer to work at the sale and earn $10 in free books for every hour you worked. So this morning, I was the official Scholastic Warehouse Booksale greeter!! I sat in a chair for 3 hours welcoming people to the sale. Easiest books I've ever bought/earned.

A couple of the titles I picked up today were "There Was No Snow on Christmas Eve" by Pam Munoz Ryan, "Library Mouse" by Daniel Kirk, and Little Lam by Piers Harper (A Soft-To-Touch Book). I bought so many books. I picked up a couple of Amelia Bedelia books. Love these!!

I also picked up a 4 book package that included "Walking the Plank to the Baptism Tank", "Church Summer Cramp", "Preacher Creature Strikes on Sunday", and "Mission Trip Impossible" all by Mike Thaler. Because they were in a package, I could preview them at the store, but went ahead and bought them because the price just couldn't be beat. I opened them up and started reading as soon as I got in my car. I have to say, I don't think these are ones we will be keeping in our library. The attitude of the character telling the story isn't one I'm sure I want to be sharing with my kiddos. However, there were two lines out of these four books that I liked and wanted to share with you.

From "Walking the Plank to the Baptism Plank": Everyone applauds. I guess I have to get out. I feel clean and new. It's like a Laundromat for the spirit.

From "Church Summer Cramp": Well I'll just go and trust and in God. After all, he's got the best G.P.S. there is - God's Protecting Son.



I also picked up "Little Miss Star" by Roger Hargreaves.
I love the Little Miss and Little Mr books. I remember checking one of these out every time I went to the library when I was in elementary school. They are so fun! When I got home and began adding my new titles to the ongoing list, I realized I already had a copy of Little Miss Star. My mistake is your gain. I'm giving away a copy of Little Miss Star to one of you lucky readers.

Here's how you can enter:

1. Leave a comment sharing your favorite children's book.
2. Become a follower of my blog.
3. Blog about this giveaway.

I will draw a winner on Thursday, May 13

Look Who I Had Lunch With

Is he not the cutest little boy you've ever seen? His name is Jude and he is as sweet and precious as he looks.

Our friends, Stuart & Laura, had Jude on March 17. I was able to take them lunch today and love on the little guy for the first time. He is absolutely gorgeous!!! And so sweet! He slept the entire time I was there today and didn't mind that I was holding him and loving him and taking his picture (I did not take the above picture).

Teaching Your Own

The other day, Kelly at Kelly's Korner wrote on her blog that she was an expert at parenting before she had her little girl, Harper. This has got me to thinking. I'm afraid I must admit that I am guilty of being an expert as well.

Someday Andrew and I will have babies (God willing). And Someday those babies will be in school. As far as we can see right now, our kids will attend the same school where I teach. Though it isn't a perfect school, it's a great one in my opinion.

As of right now I am the only 7th grade Science teacher at HGMS. So unless something changes, some day my own children will be in my classroom. I think often about how I will handle that.

Being a teacher's kid is sort of what it's like to be a preacher's kid. Or at least that is what I compare it to. I am not a preacher's kid, only a preacher's kid-in-law. :) They are always in the spotlight. If a teacher's kid makes a good grade or wins a contest all the other students say it's because of his or her mom or dad. Of course this is not always the case. But, it is the case sometimes. I know that I have been guilty of such things so I'm not trying to sound mighty pompous about this. I'm just making observations.

There are definitely some teaching parents who give their children and their children's friends special privileges. I look at them and think to myself that I would never all my child to do that just because I was a teacher. Or I would never ask for that just because I'm a teacher and my child goes here.

But what do I know. I have no children yet. I think that is going to be a big challenge for both me and my children someday.

Are any of you teachers who have taught your own children? How did it go for you? Any pointers?

A little A to your Q!

1 + 1 = 2

4 - 2 - 2

12/6 = 2

1 * 2 = 2

The square root of 4 is 2.

What is my obsession with the number two you ask?

Well that's how many questions you all asked me. That's right. Two measly questions. I'm not sure how to take that. Am I that boring or do you all just know me too well already? I'm hoping it is the latter of the two.

I've been putting off answering them because I was really hoping more would show up, but since they haven't here we go.

Question # 1: I know you are particular about food, so what is the weirdest/strangest/most extreme food you have eaten?

Answer: I've thought and thought about this question. I've tried to remember everything I've ever eaten. I thought about foods that I eat that are perfectly normal to me but shock others. I even went as far as to ask the husband what he thought my answer was. His response? Peanut M&M's instead of plain M&Ms. HA HA! I really don't venture out when it comes to food. I'm not brave at all in this area. People have been surprised to learn that I eat alfredo sauce & the center of deviled eggs. Really exciting right?


Question # 2: I know you talk about babies a lot, so my question is do you have a favorite boy and girl name? Or have you gone there yet?

Answer: Oh we've gone there! LOL! It's funny I never thought I would have any problem sharing these names when the time came, but now that it's been asked... Well I do feel a little funny about it. I guess I just worry that people will hate the names. Actually, I believe there are people in our family who are going to hate whatever name we pick. I'm trying to not let them bother me.

Back to the question at hand. Andrew and I have a list of names we agree on. They are few and far between. For a boy, we like Jadon. This was found one night when we we found this book that has every name in the Bible. Andrew would randomly open to a page and point. We liked Jadon Lewis so that he would be a J.L. like Andrew's dad. But some family members have already told us they don't like that, which makes me not like it. We've recently decided on an alternative middle name that we both love, but I don't want to share that yet.

As for our little girl. I want her to be an AJ like her Daddy. I have two options that I really like and that Andrew agrees with. Anna Jaylyn (both after family members) and Addison (Addie) Jane. Addie is the street Drew lived on a little kid.

We have others, a whole list of them. But those are our favorites.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how I have this list and I think about it often, yet God already knows our children's names. That is just too cool to me!


Of course if we have twin boys we will have Marco and Polo. Hee Hee!!



So there are my answers. Feel free to keep the questions coming!!