I Still Smile

I was driving around town this afternoon when it hit me.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day.

I mean I knew that.  

I have been thinking about it in regards to my own momma.

But as I was driving around town the thought that hit me was that tomorrow is Mother's Day and I'm okay.  I'm not in a puddle of tears.

Three hours, a pregnancy announcement on social media, and someone posting about losing their baby later..

I'm not as okay.

But I still smile because I am a momma to Jayden.

I remember every second of those twelve weeks so vividly it's unlike any other memories I have.

And I smile.

Do I question if I will ever be pregnant again?

Yes.

Do I have misplaced anger over my circumstances that do not appear to be changing?

Yes.

Do I still constantly daydream about another pregnancy and all the joy that comes with that?

Yes.

Is my God still good?

Yes!

Is my God still faithful?

Yes!

So I still smile and move forward.

I Am A Mother

There are no diapers to change

No bottles to fill

There are no pacifiers to find
No cries to sooth

Yet I am a Mother

There is no tiny voice saying Momma
No bundle of joy to fill my arms
There is no play date to plan
No boo boos to kiss

Yet I am a Mother

Twelve weeks together
You growing within
The sound of a heartbeat
Music to my ears

I am a Mother

Straight to Heaven you went
To sing with the angels
And walk hand in hand with Jesus
Waiting until one day we reunite

Jayden Ball Weaver
I am your Mother

Turning Three and Mother's Day

Yesterday my favorite twins turned THREE!!

We had lunch at Las Playitas so of course there were sombreros.  One loved them while the other was not a big fan of them.

We also celebrated Mother's Day.  These three women are some of my favorite Mommas.

After lunch we stopped by the lot where Andrew used to live.  Their house burned down and no one has ever built there.   He walked me through where everything was located.  

Once we got home we enjoyed a Sunday afternoon nap before going to our second Mother's Day celebration.

Yesterday was my first Mother's Day.  It didn't look like I've always dreamt about, but it was still a sweet day.  I started my day with the Lord thanking him for our sweet Jayden.  

The messages from friends and family began hitting my inbox Saturday evening.  I have to be honest I felt a little frustrated as I read message after message saying people were thinking about me and praying for me.  At one point I looked at Andrew and said, "I wish everyone would leave me alone.  I'm fine!"

This journey is a bizarre pull between wanting people to acknowledge, encourage, and pray and just wanting them to act like it's not an issue and to talk about anything else but infertility and loss.

But yesterday morning my devotional focused on Colossians 4:12 which says, "Epaphras, a member of your own fellowship and a servant of Christ Jesus, sends you his greetings.  He always prays earnestly for you, asking God to make you strong and perfect, fully confident that you are following the whole will of God."

As I read that verse God reminded me that maybe, just maybe, the reason I was feeling okay about the day was because of all the people who had been praying for me. I vowed then to be thankful for the prayers instead of feeling pitied.  

It's not that I don't want the prayers and encouragement.  I just wish there was no infertility for people to pray for.  

To all of you who sent me a message telling me you were thinking of me and wishing me a Happy Mother's Day.  Thank you. 

Thank you for acknowledging that I am a mother even though there is no baby in my arms.  

Thank you for going to the Father on my behalf.

Thank you for thinking of me.

Thank you for being my Ephaphras.

Our Weekend

We had such a good weekend.  Ya'll no one makes me laugh harder than my husband.  He is constant comedic relief in my life.  

We are just a couple of goofballs and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Friday night we did a little bit of porch party prep.  

I don't know what we are going to do with ourselves after this porch party.  We spend each evening on the porch discussing party plans.  

I guess we will have to start planning our next party.

Saturday we drove to Searcy for our nephew, Waylon's, high school graduation.

We hung seven new flags this weekend in honor of military appreciation week.  I have to admit, I kind of like having the flags.  :)

And of course we celebrated our moms.

Just Life

It's been almost two weeks since I've posted. The reason? Just Life.

Since my last post....

**We've celebrated Mother's Day spending time with both of our Mommas. The husband and I are truly blessed to have these two wonderful women in our lives.


**I received a note on my desk from a student this past week. It had two words on it followed by my name. It wasn't a very nice note. To be honest, it broke my heart. Even though I know they are just kids, it really bothered me. I don't know what I did to make anyone say those words to me.

**I've been struggling with my body image lately. I feel like I look awful in everything I try to wear. Yesterday before I walked out of the house for work, the husband told me I looked hot. :) He has been so sweet lately.

In fact he has been the best husband ever lately. He's just been doing little things here and there that have made me feel so incredibly loved.

**My 10 year class reunion is coming up. It's driving me crazy. I don't feel adequate enough in so many ways to be going, but at the same time I'm not ready to say I'm not going. I'm so completely wish washy on the whole situation. I'll say I want to go and then change my mind and say I'm not going all in the same breath. I feel like the whole event will be fake conversations that I don't want to deal with, but I also think I will feel left out if I don't go.

Yes I know that I sound very juvenile right now. One more thing I'm not pleased about right now.

Wow! I really didn't mean for this post to turn into me whining. Sorry.

Oh the plus side. I only have 14 days (I think) of school left!!! Whooo Hooo!!!!

Numbers

I am twenty-six years old. I have been married for six years. I have zero kids. Some people have a hard time understanding why that is so, especially when they know I want kids. All that together makes Mother's Day fill me with a range of emotions wider than I think I've ever known.

I have ten loving and caring sibling-in-laws. One of them understands what it is like to wait for a child. She waited ten years before trying to conceive and then another three before God blessed her with this beautiful little girl.

Jill blessed me Sunday evening with a mother to be gift. No we are not expecting, but someday I will be a mom. And that qualifies me for a mom to be. :) I was so surprised to receive a gift and even more thrilled when I opened the box and found this.


I posted about wanting one of these two months ago.
I can't wait to get it into my flowerbed. Mine is pink and green which go perfectly with our huge tree and nine azaleas.



There are seventeen days of school left. Two of those are student-free days.

My surgery is in thirty-seven days. I will not be able to walk or drive for at least thirty days afterwards. Right now all things in my life are measured around those thirty days. Everything must be done before the 17th of June or after the 17th of July.

Andrew will be going to Texas soon, possibly on the 15th of this month. The number of days he will be gone is MUCH bigger than I like. While he isn't one hundred percent sure, the number of days gone will probably be bigger than fourteen. I will be home alone with our two dogs during that time. I already have lots planned to keep myself busy.

With all these numbers, I might just be ready to teach math next year.

Happy Tuesday!!