Wednesday, February 14, 2018

It's Not Our Story

It has been almost seven years since Andrew and I decided we were ready to try to grow our family.  I remember thinking it would happen so easily in just a month or two.  I remember choosing the month we would become pregnant so our sweet little baby would be born toward the end of the school year.

We quickly learned we were not as in control of these things as we would have liked to believe.

We tried for about two years before we ever told anyone.  

We were walking around in Wal-Mart looking at some type of medicine when Andrew told me he had told his mom that we weren't having any luck getting pregnant.  I was a little angry that he had told someone without discussing it with me first.

The anger obviously didn't last long as it was soon after that I shared with my parents and brother and then with the world here on the blog.

Since then I've shared a lot of our story, well of God's story.  We would have written it all quite differently.  It would have been a shorter story and God probably would not have been the main character.

I've shared the details over the past several years for a few reasons.  

It's easier to share one time in one place than to have to retell some things over and over.

It's therapeutic.

I want God to be the main character of this story and I want Him to use this story to help others who may be walking a similar journey.

On December 25th God gave me a positive pregnancy test, something I often wondered if I would ever get to see.  On that day I thought our story was coming to an end.  I thought it was time to write "And they lived happily ever after."

But God had a different story in mind.  It's a story I wish wasn't being written.  

Last Thursday I began a short Bible study called "A Journey Through Pregnancy".  In the three days that I worked through that study God began to prepare my heart for what would be some very dark days.  He reminded me to be thankful for all He has done.  He reminded me that I did not have to be afraid because He was with me.

God allowed me to have some very detailed conversations that prepared me for what I was about to experience.  

He has helped me say God is good always!

He has helped me be thankful and to see so many ways He has been with us through these past few days.

Yes there have been moments of anger.  There have been moments of screaming at God that it isn't fair.  There have been moments of telling him I am mad at him.  

But I'm trying to focus on the good.  I'm trying to "be thankful in all things".

I don't share any of that to say look at me and how amazing I am.

Because believe me I'm not amazing.  I'm the one who gets angry and wants to say hurtful things.

God is the one who is amazing.  God is the one allowing thankfulness to shine.

God is the one who has given us more people than we could ever count or say thank you to.  People who have prayed us through every step of this journey.  People who have truly been joyful with us and who are now mourning with us.  

There is so much about these past few days I want to share with you - the physical aspect of a miscarriage, the emotional side of it, how incredibly amazing my husband has been, and our sweet baby's name.

All of that will come as I'm ready to share and I hope that as I share you are able to see God in it all.

Thank you for loving us, for mourning with us, and for praying for us.

There are no words to describe what all of that means to us.

Tuesday, February 6, 2018

Who Will Baby Look Like?

This past weekend Andrew and I did some purging at the Heber house.  While we were cleaning out closets and other storage areas we came across some old pictures that we haven't looked at in a long time.  We sat at the kitchen table for quite awhile looking at old pictures, reminiscing, and laughing.

Among those pictures were a few baby/toddler pictures.  These were easily my favorite to look at and talk about.  As I studied each picture I couldn't help but wonder who Baby will look like.  What features will he or she have from each of us?  Will Baby have Weaver ears?  My big eyes?  I simply cannot begin to fathom that moment when we see and hold our sweet baby for the first time.  

I posted a couple pictures of Andrew as a baby and said I wouldn't hate it if Baby looks like his or her Daddy.  However since he weighed almost 10 pounds at birth I hope Baby is closer to my birth size of 6 pounds.  

Will Baby look like Daddy?

Or will Baby look like Momma?

Tuesday, January 30, 2018

Telling my Students about Baby

The day after my doctor's appointment - so almost 1.5 weeks ago - I told my students that I was having a baby.

I thought about a few different ways of telling them but it all seemed so awkward to me.

I finally decided to just hang my ultrasound pictures up with all my other pictures and see how long it took them to notice and say something.

I predicted two things would happen.

1. It would take forever for them to notice.
2. Once one class noticed they would tell everyone else. true 7th graders fashion they proved me wrong on both accounts.

I had car duty that morning and my first class noticed the pictures before I ever got inside.

They kept quiet about it and let the other classes discover for themselves.

Every single class saw them almost immediately.

It was so fun to watch their faces as they saw the pictures.  They would look at the pictures and then look at me and back and forth.  Their sweet little faces as they realized what they were looking at and then got the nerve to ask if I was pregnant was the most fun thing ever.  

One girl volunteered to babysit and be Baby's godmother.

One girl obviously doesn't know the whole story but knows I've wanted a baby for a long time.  She has a family member who has struggled with infertility.  She cried when she found out.  

They all had name suggestions which coincidentally happen to be the same as their names.

Some of my favorite things that they asked/said...

Is it a boy or a girl?

When did you find out?

What?  You've known since Christmas and you are just now telling us?

So you will be gone this year? (I love that this made them sad.)

We won't be here when you have the baby? (This also made them sad.)

Does Mr. Weaver know? (this might be my most favorite!)

How did it happen?  (This was actually an innocent question.  He was trying to ask how I found out.)

Can we have a party where you tell us if its a girl or boy?

If your baby develops autism I bet it will be high functioning like me.

How are you feeling? (I have a few that ask this every single day.)

I see your baby bump.

Maybe it's twins.

Thursday, January 18, 2018

8 Weeks 5 days and our 1st Doctor Appointment

We had our first prenatal appointment with the doctor today.  It was supposed to be Tuesday but my doctor's office was closed for the day due to snow.  I was a little disappointed but I don't think I was nearly as disappointed as some of our family members.

Sweet Baby, you are already so incredibly loved.  Everyone is so excited to hear updates about you all the time.  I am constantly receiving text asking about you and how I'm feeling.  I think my favorite text has come from one of Andrew's best friends.  Shaun and I text twice a year on each other's birthdays to say Happy Birthday.  So when out of the blue I received a text from him asking how I was feeling it absolutely made my day.

I know without a doubt that if the ultrasound room was big enough we could have easily packed it full of friends and families. I had wanted Andrew to video the appointment, especially the heartbeat so we could share with everyone.  But it all happened so fast.  I think we were both in shock.

I'll get back to the ultrasound.

The first thing we did was talk about insurance and what this portion of our bill is going to be.

The proud daddy crunching numbers while we wait on our ultrasound.

I had been feeling all the emotions on the drive to my appointment.  I cried just thinking about hearing the heartbeat.  I was scared we wouldn't hear a heartbeat.  I was excited.  I was nervous.  I was all the feelings.

By the time I walked into the ultrasound room and she begin looking for Baby I was just in shock at it all I think.  I couldn't speak.  I couldn't even really comprehend all that was going on.  A thousand thoughts were running through my head all at once. 

"Is that the baby?"

"What's taking her so long?"

"What's Andrew thinking right now?"

"What do those numbers mean?"

Just to name a few of those thoughts.

Suddenly we heard the most amazing sound in the world.

Sweet Baby's heartbeat.

180 perfect beats per minute.

I felt a few tears roll down my check.

I could hear Andrew beside me sniffling.

And then as quickly as the sound began it ended.  

She told us Baby measured one day off from what we thought so my doctor probably wouldn't change my due date.

It was the fastest moment ever.

I was so much in shock that I couldn't fully take it all in.  

They then ushered us into another room to wait for my doctor to come talk to us.  It was then as we were waiting that it began to sink in.  We had a moment of crying.

And then we wiped our tears and took what will forever be one of my favorite selfies of all time.

Weaver: Party of 3!!

The first thing my doctor said when he walked in the room was that I had chosen a large specimen to have a baby with.  And then he asked Andrew how tall he is and if he was a big baby.  LOL!

We spoke with my doctor for awhile talking about all the big things that will happen over the next several months.  He asked if I had any questions for him and I couldn't think of a single one.  And it was during that conversation that my husband and  my doctor gained up on me and pretty much forced me to get a flu shot.  My first ever!  All for that sweet little babe.

And if that one poke wasn't enough I then had to have blood work done.  

I also signed my name a few dozen times today.  I'm sure that's only the beginning.

Baby is the size of a: Raspberry and is growing fingers and toes this week.  This gives me all the heart eyes.

Total Weigh Gain: I've actually lost a couple of pounds at this point.

Maternity Clothes: Is 8 weeks too early for maternity pants?  Maybe it was living in my pajamas for two weeks over Christmas break followed by a five day weekend thanks to snow days or maybe its pregnancy, but I'm currently hating jeans or any pants that button for that matter.  My sweet sister in law has saved her maternity clothes for me.  I'm looking forward to going through all of her things.  She has great style.  Something tells me I won't have to buy anything new.   

Sleep: Yes please!  My new nightly routine involves me being in bed by 7 and fast asleep by 8.  I usually wake up around midnight to use the bathroom and then I fall right back asleep.  You would think I would spring right out of bed in the morning after going to sleep so early, but you would be wrong.  I have such a hard time getting up in the morning.  I just want to keep snoozing.  The only thing that gets me out of bed is some serious hunger.

Cravings & Aversions:  Not really had any of either.  As far as cravings go, I haven't really craved anything specific, but I will say some things sound better to me than others.  It's easier for me to make up my mind about what I want for dinner.  No aversions either other than food in general sometimes.

Symptoms: Toward the end of week 5 I started feeling nauseous during the day.  I'm still feeling that occasionally, but mostly I'm just HUNGRY ALL THE TIME!!  I feel like I've gone days or even weeks without food.  I will eat a full meal and then ten minutes later I'm starving again.  Most of the time I have no problem eating, but sometimes I start eating and suddenly food just isn't appealing to me.  This is normally when I've waited too long to eat.

I was also having headaches at night during weeks 5 & 6.  Every night around 7:00 I would get a horrible headache and need to lay down in the dark.  I'm thankful those seem to have disappeared.

I've prayed for all of this for so long that I refuse to complain about any of it, but at the same time I want to honestly share about my pregnancy.  Basically right now I have a love/hate relationship with it all.  I'm loving every minute of knowing there is a little baby growing inside of me and I love that I feel crummy all the time because it means that little baby is growing healthy and strong.  But  I'm ready to no longer feel like I'm starving all the time.

Movement: I cannot wait for this!!

Missing:  The feeling of being full after a good meal.

Best Moment This Week: Hearing that heartbeat and getting our first pictures of Baby.

Best Daddy Moment This Week: He instantly shared with family about our ultrasound.  I'm talking before we were even out of the room he was sharing.  And crying.  I love his big heart!

Looking Forward To: I'm looking forward to having a baby bump and  sharing the news with my students.

Saturday, January 6, 2018

Never Have I Ever Movie Edition

Are you a movie buff?

Are you one of those people that can see a movie one time and then quote the whole thing?

I'm horrible with movie quotes.

That may be because there are a lot of "classics" that I've never seen.

Never Have I Ever Watched....

Wednesday, January 3, 2018

What I'm Loving Wednesday + 14 Year Anniversary

When Andrew and I settled on Palm Springs as our Thanksgiving vacation destination I knew I wanted to do our Christmas card pictures while we there.  I wanted something different.  

I found a photographer I liked and who was affordable, but when I reached out to her about it she told me she didn't have any openings.  She was kind enough to recommend two other photographers in the area.  One of those photographers happen to take picture in California and in Arkansas.  

What are the chances?

It turns out Amber lives in California but her husband's family is from central Arkansas. 

Clearly it was meant to be.

Andrew and I enjoyed meeting and working with Amber and her husband.

We are already talking about another photoshoot the next time they are in Arkansas.

So today I'm sharing our photos from our time with Amber because I'm loving them.

And I'm loving that today my man and I are celebrating 14 years of marriage.