Friday, May 20, 2016

Same Journey, Different Path

I find it strange that there are parts of this journey that I have no problems sharing yet  it terrifies me to openly share other parts.

I really believe it is Satan trying to keep me from sharing.  

Sharing your story may not be for everyone.  It's a very personal thing.

But it helps me.  It helps me to know others are praying for us and with us.

It helps me to read the stories of others, to know that I'm not alone.

One of the biggest lies Satan tells me is that I'm alone in this journey.

I refuse to believe that and blogging about this journey is one of the many ways I fight off this lie.

All that to say that Andrew and I have made a decision as to our next step in this journey and I'm struggling to share it.

I guess I worry about criticism from others.

Thankfully there hasn't been any of that yet.

It was a hard decision for me.  It feels like a selfish decision.  I have felt like it was not acceptable for me to make this decision.

But after many prayers, lots of conversations, tears (on my part), and several double stuffed oreos (again on my part - they make me feel better), we have reached a decision.

A decision that we feel good about.

In my last post, I shared that we had been matched with a sibling group of three.

We have decided not to pursue adoption of them.

They need more than Andrew and I feel like we can give them.

It's a hard decision.  They are cute as can be and need a safe, loving home.

It's hard to say no to that.  

But we feel it would not be fair to these kids for us to bring them into our home, knowing we cannot provide for them all that they need.

With that decision, we have also decided to take a new path in this journey.

We have an appointment next month at Arkansas Fertility.  

We hope to begin IUI (intra-uterine insemination).

If you've been around for awhile, you may remember that we had lots of testing done two years ago and were diagnosed with unexplained infertility.

The process of IUI is fairly simple compared to other treatments.

Basically I will go on medication to make sure that I ovulate and I will also give myself a shot (it's just one, it's just one little shot) to time ovulation.

They will take a sample from Andrew, wash it (so weird) and insert it into me, bypassing my cervix.

It's all very strange and scientific.

Not at all how I thought this whole baby making thing would go.  

I am both very excited and very scared about this whole process.

I'm trying to find faith and believe this will work, yet feeling very pessimistic.

When you go five years without seeing a positive its hard to think  you will ever see one.

I've heard success stories - people getting pregnant with their first round of IUI.

I've heard stories of people who have done four or five rounds of IUI and still haven't gotten pregnant.

I don't know which category we will fall in, but I do know God is with us and he will walk us through this next part of our journey.

Sunday, May 15, 2016

Caught in the Middle of Fear and Hope

Tomorrow Andrew and I have a meeting with three DHS employees.

We have been matched with a sibling group of three.

The phone call came last Monday morning.

I was in my coworker's classroom visiting during our planning period.  The woman on the phone introduced herself - we shall call her Peggy.  Peggy began to tell me her supervisor, Wendy (not her real name) had matched us with a sibling group of three.  

My mind began to wonder why I was receiving a phone call about a match that happened almost a year ago, a match that we chose not to pursue.

I thought she was talking about a previous match because I could not believe that Wendy had recently matched us with a sibling group.  After all we have not had the best working relationship with Wendy.  We had some rough encounters with her early in our journey and up until this phone call I really believed Wendy was preventing us from adopting from foster care.

I was in awe that Wendy had actually matched us with a sibling group.

I guess that look was written all over my face because my coworker followed me out of her room to ask if I was okay.  

Still on the phone, I mouthed it's about babies.

As soon as I hung up with Peggy I sent Andrew a text.  

I just knew he would say no way are we doing this.

Instead he told me to set up a meeting with them.

More shock.

I spent the next few days trying to figure out my feelings.

I shared with our family and a few close friends about the match.  I needed prayers for wisdom and clarity and peace, but I also didn't want to be flooded with opinions.

I needed to figure out where I stood.

And where I stood was smack dab in the middle of fear.

Fear of talking to Andrew about it.  Fear of him saying yes to these children and at the same time fear of him saying no.

Fear of really exploring my feelings.

Fear of falling in love with these children only to have my heart broken again.

Fear of putting up a wall and never falling in love with these children.

Fear of the possibility of having hope.

Fear of parenthood.  

Somewhere amidst prayers I began to feel hope.

I find myself planning for these babies to join our family.

 I'm caught in the middle of fear and hope.  

Though the fear is still much larger than the hope.

I don't know what will come of tomorrow's meeting or even if anything will come of it.  

I don't even know what I want to come from this meeting.

What I do know is that the prayers of our family and friends have carried us through every step of this journey and I trust they will carry us through tomorrow and any upcoming decisions.

What I do know is the truth of Joshua 1:9, the Lord my God will be with me wherever I go.

Monday, May 2, 2016

Memphis in May

Awhile back I woke up to a text message from my husband.

That actually happens more often than you would think.

He is a night owl and is often up much later than me.

So sometimes after I'm long asleep he will send me a text.  Most of the time they are links to something he has found that he wants to buy or do.

Anyway, a couple of months ago I woke up to a text message saying I need to plan to take a personal day because we were going to Memphis in May.

After looking at the line up, I had mixed emotions.

I was super pumped to see a few certain performers, but I do not do well with crowds.

As we got closer to this past weekend it began to look like we were going to have to cancel our plans.

Andrew had to go out of town for work.

He ended up coming home early and we were able to go to Memphis for the weekend.

We left right after work Friday and headed to the Beale Street Musical Festival.

We made it just in time to grab some yummy food truck food and watch the first show of the weekend.

Friday night we saw Gin Blossoms, Grace Potter, and Weezer.

Saturday morning we slept in and were pretty lazy all day.

We were preparing for another late night of concerts..

John Mayall, Better Than Ezra, Barenaked Ladies, and my personal favorite of the weekend...Meghan Trainor.

In between shows we left the park to grab some dinner.

Gus's Fried Chicken....This is a MUST if you are in Memphis!!

Sunday we saw Blackberry Smoke (I was not a fan), Paul Simon, and Beck. 

There was also more good food on Sunday.

Central BBQ...

Andrew was excited to share a slab of ribs with me.  

It was a first for our relationship. :)

When in Memphis...

It was such a fun weekend.  Lots of good music and delicious food.

But the best part of the weekend, the part that I want to always remember...

was the way Andrew loved me and served me.

I want to remember how he thought to bring my duck boots that I didn't pack for myself because he knew we would be walking in a pool of mud all weekend.

I want to remember how he would check to make the sure the porta-potty was clean (or at least as clean as one can be) before I went in.  

I want to remember the way he helped me take my boots off so I could put rain pants on without getting all muddy.

I want to remember the tickle fight that made me laugh until I cried.

I want to remember how he searched for the perfect spot to stand in the crowd - a spot where I would be able to see but wouldn't feel claustrophobic.  

He loves me well.

He is my best friend and I'm loving this season of life where we can just pick up and get away for the weekend.