Caught in the Middle of Fear and Hope

Tomorrow Andrew and I have a meeting with three DHS employees.

We have been matched with a sibling group of three.

The phone call came last Monday morning.

I was in my coworker's classroom visiting during our planning period.  The woman on the phone introduced herself - we shall call her Peggy.  Peggy began to tell me her supervisor, Wendy (not her real name) had matched us with a sibling group of three.  

My mind began to wonder why I was receiving a phone call about a match that happened almost a year ago, a match that we chose not to pursue.

I thought she was talking about a previous match because I could not believe that Wendy had recently matched us with a sibling group.  After all we have not had the best working relationship with Wendy.  We had some rough encounters with her early in our journey and up until this phone call I really believed Wendy was preventing us from adopting from foster care.

I was in awe that Wendy had actually matched us with a sibling group.

I guess that look was written all over my face because my coworker followed me out of her room to ask if I was okay.  

Still on the phone, I mouthed it's about babies.

As soon as I hung up with Peggy I sent Andrew a text.  

I just knew he would say no way are we doing this.

Instead he told me to set up a meeting with them.

More shock.

I spent the next few days trying to figure out my feelings.

I shared with our family and a few close friends about the match.  I needed prayers for wisdom and clarity and peace, but I also didn't want to be flooded with opinions.

I needed to figure out where I stood.

And where I stood was smack dab in the middle of fear.

Fear of talking to Andrew about it.  Fear of him saying yes to these children and at the same time fear of him saying no.

Fear of really exploring my feelings.

Fear of falling in love with these children only to have my heart broken again.

Fear of putting up a wall and never falling in love with these children.

Fear of the possibility of having hope.

Fear of parenthood.  

Somewhere amidst prayers I began to feel hope.

I find myself planning for these babies to join our family.

 I'm caught in the middle of fear and hope.  

Though the fear is still much larger than the hope.

I don't know what will come of tomorrow's meeting or even if anything will come of it.  

I don't even know what I want to come from this meeting.

What I do know is that the prayers of our family and friends have carried us through every step of this journey and I trust they will carry us through tomorrow and any upcoming decisions.

What I do know is the truth of Joshua 1:9, the Lord my God will be with me wherever I go.