From the very moment Andrew and I said "I do" and promised our lives to one another people began to ask the question,
"When are you planning to have kids?".
It wasn't everyone asking, but there were times when it sure felt like everyone.
I wanted kids pretty much immediately.
In my mind that was the order of things.
You got married and you had kids.
Thankfully I married someone wiser than me who knew we needed those first years to get to know one another and to strengthen our marriage.
Then the day came when we were both ready to add to our family.
I just knew it would happen that first month.
And then it didn't.
Here we are almost twelve years into this journey called marriage and it is still just the two of us.
And you know what?
For the first time in almost twelve years of marriage I am completely okay with that.
After the adoption didn't work out Andrew and I were in two very different places with what we wanted. It felt like we would never want the same thing at the same time again.
That was extremely difficult.
In some ways it was harder than the actual loss of the children.
My husband is my best friend and to feel like we were headed in two different directions was almost more than I could handle.
I prayed that God would work in our hearts and bring us back to the same page.
I asked friends to pray the same for us.
God is faithful.
He did just that.
He brought us back to the same page.
And the moment that happened a peace covered me.
For the first time in a very long time I feel no pressure about if, when, or how we are going to have children.
For the first time in a long time I'm looking forward to Christmas. I'm excited to just enjoy the holiday without any of the ugly feelings that I have felt the past several years as I have longed to have children.
The pressure is off and it feels good.
I'm enjoying every moment I get to spend with my best friend, my love. I'm not wishing away the here and now for the someday maybes.