Monday, November 30, 2015

The Pressure is Off

From the very moment Andrew and I said "I do" and promised our lives to one another people began to ask the question,

"When are you planning to have kids?".

It wasn't everyone asking, but there were times when it sure felt like everyone.

I wanted kids pretty much immediately.

In my mind that was the order of things.

You got married and you had kids.

Thankfully I married someone wiser than me who knew we needed those first years to get to know one another and to strengthen our marriage.

Then the day came when we were both ready to add to our family.

I just knew it would happen that first month.

And then it didn't.

Here we are almost twelve years into this journey called marriage and it is still just the two of us.

And you know what?

For the first time in almost twelve years of marriage I am completely okay with that.

After the adoption didn't work out Andrew and I were in two very different places with what we wanted.  It felt like we would never want the same thing at the same time again.

That was extremely difficult.

In some ways it was harder than the actual loss of the children.

My husband is my best friend and to feel like we were headed in two different directions was almost more than I could handle.

I prayed that God would work in our hearts and bring us back to the same page.

I asked friends to pray the same for us.

God is faithful.

He did just that.

He brought us back to the same page.

And the moment that happened a peace covered me.

For the first time in a very long time I feel no pressure about if, when, or how we are going to have children.

I'm happy.

Truly happy.

For the first time in a long time I'm looking forward to Christmas.  I'm excited to just enjoy the holiday without any of the ugly feelings that I have felt the past several years as I have longed to have children.

The pressure is off and it feels good.

I'm enjoying every moment I get to spend with my best friend, my love.  I'm not wishing away the here and now for the someday maybes.


  1. Sweet sweet place to be, I am thankful. Hugs

  2. You and your husband are a couple of the most precious people that I have met! I wish I had spent more time with you when we were neighbors! Oh, but we were working! Have a Blessed Christmas and new year!

  3. Very well said and very beautiful! Sometimes that pressure is more than a person can glad the pressure is OFF! You make a beautiful couple!
    Love and prayers, from Wisconsin

  4. Elaina, you don't know me but I know Andrew and his family well. My husband was a youth director for the Weaver clan at one time. I've read through your blog and cried with you guys and your struggles. I'm so sorry for your heartaches! My husband and I wanted children more than anything, but it wasn't happening. We too were uncomfortable with fertility treatments and so we waited on God. I cried so many tears uncertain of why God would put this desire in my heart to be a mom and then not fulfill the desire. I finally came to the point that you have in this blog. I told God that He was enough for me and let go of the anger and anxiety of getting pregnant. It was after I let go and let God that He blessed us with our son. We were only able to have one, and are thankful for him each day. I'll pray for you and Andrew as you continue on your journey. Have faith and believe that He is enough!!! In Christ's Love! Robin Allen