Thursday, May 7, 2015

We Are Not Alone

I wrote the following post a few weeks ago after having some very bad days.  I wrote more as a way of healing for myself.  At the time I didn't really plan to publish it.

However, I think one of Satan's biggest weapons is making us believe we are alone in our trials.  He wants us to believe no one else has ever been through what we are going through.

That is a lie.

So I wanted to share my story in hopes that maybe someone might stumble upon it and realize they are not alone


From the moment we began talking about adoption I began searching for and reading blogs about adoption.  I've read countless posts on what brought couples to the decision to adopt, those first months at home, discipline, and every other adoption topic you can think of.

Including how adoptive mothers didn't immediately feel like mom and how they didn't immediately fall in love with their child.

I've even heard biological mothers talk about how they didn't immediately have that head over heels in love feeling about their baby.

So I shouldn't have been shocked by the realization that I don't feel anything like I suspect a mother to be should feel like.

Not to long ago I had a rough few days.  I was feeling sorry for myself and claiming that no one was as excited for us as they were for the pregnancies of family members and friends.

Oh how Satan was having a field day with my thoughts.

I knew they were ugly selfish thoughts but I couldn't seem to shake them.

My husband spoke some truth to me.

And lets just say I wasn't interested in hearing truth.

I just wanted him to accept the invitation I had extended to my pity party.

But through that truth along with a conversation with one of my sister-in-laws I came to an understanding and an acceptance of my feelings.

Adoption is okay.

It is every bit as exciting and beautiful as pregnancy.

I'm going to be just as much a mother as if I were giving birth to my children.

I have not allowed myself to feel like a mother to be.

There has been no morning sickness, cravings, or baby bump to indicate motherhood is right around the corner.  I'm not buying tiny clothes or decorating a nursery.

Motherhood isn't coming the way I've always expected it would.

And that is okay.

It's coming in a way that is perfect for us.

I'm not sure I can honestly say that I'm thankful for infertility, but I can say that I'm thankful that infertility allowed us to be more open to God's call to adoption.

I may not feel like a mother to be but I think that's okay.  It doesn't lessen the fact that I am a mother to be.  

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