It has been almost seven years since Andrew and I decided we were ready to try to grow our family. I remember thinking it would happen so easily in just a month or two. I remember choosing the month we would become pregnant so our sweet little baby would be born toward the end of the school year.
We quickly learned we were not as in control of these things as we would have liked to believe.
We tried for about two years before we ever told anyone.
We were walking around in Wal-Mart looking at some type of medicine when Andrew told me he had told his mom that we weren't having any luck getting pregnant. I was a little angry that he had told someone without discussing it with me first.
The anger obviously didn't last long as it was soon after that I shared with my parents and brother and then with the world here on the blog.
Since then I've shared a lot of our story, well of God's story. We would have written it all quite differently. It would have been a shorter story and God probably would not have been the main character.
I've shared the details over the past several years for a few reasons.
It's easier to share one time in one place than to have to retell some things over and over.
It's therapeutic.
I want God to be the main character of this story and I want Him to use this story to help others who may be walking a similar journey.
On December 25th God gave me a positive pregnancy test, something I often wondered if I would ever get to see. On that day I thought our story was coming to an end. I thought it was time to write "And they lived happily ever after."
But God had a different story in mind. It's a story I wish wasn't being written.
Last Thursday I began a short Bible study called "A Journey Through Pregnancy". In the three days that I worked through that study God began to prepare my heart for what would be some very dark days. He reminded me to be thankful for all He has done. He reminded me that I did not have to be afraid because He was with me.
God allowed me to have some very detailed conversations that prepared me for what I was about to experience.
He has helped me say God is good always!
He has helped me be thankful and to see so many ways He has been with us through these past few days.
Yes there have been moments of anger. There have been moments of screaming at God that it isn't fair. There have been moments of telling him I am mad at him.
But I'm trying to focus on the good. I'm trying to "be thankful in all things".
I don't share any of that to say look at me and how amazing I am.
Because believe me I'm not amazing. I'm the one who gets angry and wants to say hurtful things.
God is the one who is amazing. God is the one allowing thankfulness to shine.
God is the one who has given us more people than we could ever count or say thank you to. People who have prayed us through every step of this journey. People who have truly been joyful with us and who are now mourning with us.
There is so much about these past few days I want to share with you - the physical aspect of a miscarriage, the emotional side of it, how incredibly amazing my husband has been, and our sweet baby's name.
All of that will come as I'm ready to share and I hope that as I share you are able to see God in it all.
Thank you for loving us, for mourning with us, and for praying for us.
There are no words to describe what all of that means to us.
