We decided to take the month of December off from doctor appointments, blood draws, and all things infertility. As much as I want to do these things or whatever else it might take for us to get that positive pregnancy test, it is always a relief to take time off. It's a relief to have a break from that emotional roller coaster.
When I can put infertility out of my mind and act like it isn't an issue life just seems easier.
Over Christmas break we were able to enjoy an incredible winter getaway. I dare say it was my favorite vacation yet.
Being able to pack up and just go is so easy with the two of us. Airports are easier. Train travel is easier. It's all just easier.
I'm not going to lie. In moments like that I question how big my desire for children really is. I know it will be worth it, but man life is so easy right now.
And then we came home and I instantly felt anxious about jumping back into the world of doctor appointments, blood draws, and all things infertility. I cannot even begin to describe the ups and downs my emotions go through. If you have ever been there then you understand exactly what I'm talking about.
I opened my mouth more times than I can count to tell Andrew I didn't want to do it. I didn't want to pursue IUI this month.
And every single time I closed my mouth before the words came tumbling out.
I was afraid that if I said it out loud I wouldn't be able to change my mind again.
As we spent time with family for the holidays and I went back to work people were asking what our next step was and when I was going back to the doctor.
The more people asked the more anxious I felt.
I felt like I didn't want to share dates or details with anyone. Yes I wanted their prayers but sometimes it is just too hard to constantly be sharing.
And then things began shifting.
A coworker told me she felt like this was going to be my year.
God whispered into my heart to share every detail because there was someone out there that needed me to do that.
A family member told me she felt like 2017 would be the year Andrew and I got to share a pregnancy announcement.
God was just giving me cheerleaders all over the place.
My anxiousness slowly began turning into excitement.
In the midst of all that while I was struggling to make the shift from anxiousness to excitement God spoke to me again through His word.
My devotional for that day was based on Joshua 1:9
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the your God will be with you wherever you go.”
Y'all I don't have to be anxious or afraid.
I can be strong and courageous.
My God will be with me through every doctor appointment, through every blood draw, through every ultrasound, through every single step.
I knew that but I most definitely needed that reminder.
I have a new peace about returning to fertility treatments, which should be sometime next week.
I'm believing that 2017 will be the year of Baby Weaver.