Saturday, September 13, 2014

Hanging on to Hope

Sixty days.

That's the length of my last cycle.

It's a new record.

My body frustrates me.

Despite four negative tests and the fact that I had no signs of pregnancy part of me still believed that I was in fact pregnant, that this was my month.  Why else would my body torture me with the a cycle that seemed to last forever?  I let my hopes get so high that I scheduled a blood test at a local clinic in town for Thursday afternoon.  I didn't tell Andrew because I just knew I was going to be able to surprise him with good news.

And then I went to the bathroom.  

There was no need for a blood test.

Once again another cycle that didn't result in a pregnancy. 

I'm not sure how I  made it through the rest of the afternoon.  I felt like I was on autopilot trying not to break down in front of a room full of 6th graders.

As soon as I got in my car that afternoon the tears came.  

Oh the tears came.

To put it mildly I threw a screaming kicking fit.  I wanted to give up.  A part of me did give up.  I wanted to tell everyone we were never having kids.  I'm sorry to disappoint everyone but we all need to move on.  I needed the option to disappear.  I needed it to be a non-issue.

It wasn't pretty.  

As if the pain wasn't enough I came home to a package I had ordered a few weeks ago.  A sweet little shirt that says miracle baby.

I cried even harder.

It's funny because while the beginning of a new cycle can cause more pain than I could ever begin to describe to you, it also brings a new hope.  It's a new opportunity to try again.  It's another chance for God to bless us beyond our wildest dreams.

This journey of waiting is not an easy one.  Some days it seems unbearable.  

But I have hope.  Some have called it naivety.  But I KNOW that I serve a God who hears my cries, who knows the desires of my heart, and who loves me more than I could ever imagine.

His mercies are new each and every morning.


  1. Hugs for you friend. Waiting with you - you are NOT alone!

  2. Praying for you. I went through this thirty two years ago. I still can feel the pain...I feel your pain, like it was yesterday. After going through eight years of trying...we adopted a baby girl...a beautiful baby girl...a blessing from God.
    I'm here praying for you from Wisconsin.

  3. Oh my heart hurts for you, I am praying and standing with you my friend for that little Weaver Baby, NEVER give up hope, God has His perfect timing, Love your act of faith in the little outfit, made me think of sweet Jill, can't wait to see and meet your sweet bundle of love, Praying and believing, love and hugs

  4. oh I am so sorry sugars! I want you to know that for the past 60 or so days, I have specifically prayed for you. Why? Because 60 or so days ago God put you on my heart and said..."pray for her every day until her breakthrough happens." I tell you this because I know that anytime something big is happening, the devil will go to work even harder to stop it. Don't give up because the devil can't win. If God is for us then who can be against us? I won't stop praying! Keep your hope alive sugars! xo