A Dream

This post is by Andrew...

A dream...

God gave Elaina and I a dream a long time ago. A house full of kids. Life. Noise. Family. A dream.

For years we tried to conceive. It was not to be. Doctors said it was "unexplained infertility." When they said those words all I could hear was Seinfeld saying "That wasn't the tube or the circle." There has to be a reason, an explanation, a cause, a purpose... You see, we have this dream.

We never had peace about pursing IUI, IVF, etc... We were moved to adopt. As we wavered, friends and strangers would appear and bring us back to adoption. It was inescapable. I felt like I'd end up in the belly of a fish if I turned away from it one more time. As we submitted to it, we had peace. It was our reason, our explanation, our cause, our purpose... You see, we have this dream.

I love the Fall. The colors. The cool mornings and crisp afternoons. The clothes. The college football. The last few rounds of golf. It was in the Fall that we took our first steps of obedience. It was in the Fall that we took our first glimpse of our children's photo. It was in the Fall that we found hope and a path forward. We gathered info, filled out forms, scheduled training... We planned and calculated. You see, we have this dream.

Fall became Winter and training was done. Winter bowed to Spring and home studies were conducted. Finally Summer arrived and we were approved. We were a licensed adoptive home in the State of Arkansas. We met our children's adoption specialist the same day. We questioned her and devoured every detail she gave about the children. Morsels of hope. Food for longing hearts. You see, we have this dream.

About a month later we met our children. Another month passed and they spent their first night in our home. A house full of kids. Life. Noise. Family. A dream.

Another month has now passed and we find ourselves in a place we never thought we be. Disrupted. It's the system's way of saying a failed placement. Our children simply are not ready to function in a non-institutional environment. Our love and effort were not enough. The last month has been challenging but full of good. A blessing. A gift. A dream.

The process of accepting that we could not safely proceed is the hardest thing Elaina and I have ever had to do. We love our children too much to continue on the trajectory we were on. We had to find a safe way to land. We love them and always will. We will be here for them for the rest of their lives. We simply cannot be their mother and father. Yesterday DHS checked the kids out of school and drove them away. Away from us. We've gone from nervousness and fear to brokenness. We hurt for our children. We long for them. We know they're full of fear. They're searching for answers just like we are. We mourn.

To quote the fictional Moonlight Graham, "It was like coming THIS CLOSE to your dreams... then watch them brush past you like strangers in a crowd."

So. Here we are. Looking for a reason. An explanation. A cause. A purpose. How can we function? How can we proceed? You see, we have this dream.

Our hope and our peace is from the Lord and in the Lord. We know He is our source and the source for our children. Our lives are His. Our plans are His. Our dream is His.

Today is His day, and He is good to us all.