Tuesday Tunes

I miss the loud chaos of having eight kids.

The peace and quiet is my favorite.

I want to jump in the car and go get all eight of them and bring them back home.

Let's get rid of the 12 passenger van because we are never having kids.

Just the two of us - it's perfect.

I want kids.

Let's try adoption again.

I'm never adopting again.

Let's just have a baby the old fashion way.

Oh wait.  We tried that.  It didn't work.

These are just a few of the ever changing thoughts than run through my head lately.  If you ask how I'm doing I'll give you the standard "I'm good" or "I'm okay".  That's simply easier than trying to explain that my feelings changed in the amount of time it took you to ask me how I was doing.

I have moments where I'm perfectly fine and life feels normal.

And in the same breath I can have a moment that causes me to break down in a full on ugly cry.

Lately the ugly cry comes from not knowing God's plan.

Bringing our eight children into our home and loving them was what God called us to do.  Andrew and I still believe that.  Yet it didn't work out the way we thought it would.

My low moments come from not understanding why having children has to be so hard for us.  They come from not understanding how God is working in all of this, but knowing that He is working.

This morning I heard a song on the radio as I drove to work.  It's a song that I've heard a hundred times, but this morning it spoke to me in a new way.

I may not be skilled to understand God's plan, but He lives.  He always has and always will.

He is always there for me.

I am not skilled to understand
What God has willed what God has planned
I only know at his right hand
Stands one who is my Savior

I take him at his word and deed
Christ died to save me this I read
And in my heart I find the need
Of him to be my Savior

That he would leave his place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You called it strange so once did I
Before I knew my Savior

My Savior loves
My Savior lives
My Savior's always there for me
My God he was
My God he is
My God he's always gonna be

Yes living, dying let me bring
My strength my Solace from the Spring
That he who lives to be my king
Once died to be my Savior

That he would leave his place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You called it strange, so once did I
Before I knew my Savior

My Savior loves
My Savior lives
My Savior's always there for me
My God he was
My God he is
My God he's always gonna be