A Lonely Place

Yesterday one of the kids contacted me on social media.  I asked how she was doing only to be told to leave her alone.  

This morning we saw one of them at church.  He called out, "Elaina" and waved as if I had never been mom.

Two small moments caused my heart to break all over again.  Andrew and I wanted so badly for this story to have a happy ending.  We never wanted or believed our story would be described as a failed adoption.  

A failed adoption is a lonely place to be.

I find myself terrified of trying again, of having children.  And yet at the same time I find myself terrified of never having children, of never having the family I've always dreamed of.

It's hard to know where to go from here.  

Actually it seems impossible to know where to go from here.  Andrew and I are all over the place in what we think we want and  we never seem to be in the same place at the same time.

That's hard.

A failed adoption is a lonely place to be.

Do we want to try adopting again?  Do we pursue different children or try to bring back one or two of the eight?  Do we try infertility treatments?  Do we not have kids?

We don't know.

Most of the time I feel okay.  I feel as if I have healed.  And then in a moment I realize how raw the emotion and the hurt still is.  I realize how deep the scars go.

Infertility brought moments of loneliness,, but I never really felt alone.  I had family members who had struggled with infertility.  I immediately found blog friends who were struggling.  I always felt a part of this infertility community, a community none of  us wanted to belong to.

With a failed adoption, I haven't found that community.  I haven't found that group of people who have walked through this fire and found themselves on the other side, in the happily ever after.

A failed adoption is a lonely place to be.

I have been struggling with sharing about our failed adoption.  It's very personal and it's hard to put into words all the different emotions that come with it.

I want to explain what happened so people might understand and hold back their judgement.  I want to keep the mistakes and issues to myself because honestly it's no one's business.  

But if there is anyone out there walking through this same storm then I want them to know they are not alone.  I want them to know that there is someone else who has been through this storm.  God will carry us through.  

I want a failed adoption to be less of a lonely place.