The Right Answer For Me

"Do you have kids?"

Seems like a perfectly natural question when meeting someone doesn't it?

It's goes right along with "Are you married?"  "Where do you work?"

It's how we get to know new people.

Since losing Jayden I have really struggled with how to answer this question.

I haven't liked the question for several years now, but at least  I knew how to answer it.

After losing Jayden, the answer didn't seem as clear to me.

I could answer no and avoid all the awkwardness that is sure to follow.  This question is always accompanied with a follow up question or two.  How many?  Ages?  Boys or Girls?

I found that when we moved to that portion of the conversation I felt like I was making people feel bad for asking which is obviously not my intent.  It pained the people pleaser in me to go this route.  Especially when it was a student who asked this question.  

So saying yes wasn't an option.  There was no way to avoid the follow up questions that brought on the awkward feelings.

But I couldn't say no either.

That's not truthful.  Sure it's easy.  A quick no and move on to a new topic.  No awkward follow up questions. No making people feel bad.  

This is how I answered the question when we moved back in October and my new coworkers would ask about kids.  By the time Thanksgiving rolled around I was sitting in a deep pool of anger and I was there all by myself.  It took me some time to figure out why I was feeling sad and angry over infertility.  What was triggering those feelings?  Why were they resurfacing when I had been doing so well?  

Then I realized it was having what felt like a million people ask about kids and not only was I not being truthful, but the the lie I was telling made me feel guilty because it was as if I didn't value/love, cherish/recognize Jayden's life.  

As I'm starting a new job and meeting new people I know I will have to answer that question a million times over.  Sometimes I just want to tell people to go research my social media so they can get my story and I don't have to rehash it.  That seems less painful and awkward for everyone involved.

  I actually had to answer the question today as I met one of my new coworkers.

But this time I'm handling it different than in October.  I hope I'm handling it better.  I know how to answer that question and I am comfortable and confident in my answer.

Do I have kids?

I have a sweet baby in Heaven.

And  you know what?  I don't care if that makes you feel bad or awkward or whatever it might make you feel.  I'm not looking for your pity or your condolences.  I'm simply answering your question in the most honest way I know how.  I'm answering your question in a way that allows me to live with myself and avoid the deep and lonely pool of anger.  And I hope I'm answering  your question in a way that points to Jesus.

Friday Favorites

It's Friday!!

And it's not just any Friday.

Today was my last day of school.

I'm officially on summer break.

WooHoo!

I'm linking up with Erika, Narci, and  Andrea to share a few favorites today.

One of my favorite ways to relax after work is to spend some time coloring in my bullet journal.  I know I'm a little late to this band wagon, but let me tell you I am fully on board!  I am enjoying it way more than I ever thought I would.

I've also been on a reading kick lately.  I plan to spend a ton of time reading this summer, hopefully by the pool.  I recently bought a ton of books at a sale put on by the county library, but if you have any recommendations I'm definitely open to suggestions.  Here are a few of my favorite reads from the year so far.

The weather lately has been my favorite.  I feel like winter lasted forever.  I'm so happy to be warm and to have the sun shining again.  At least once a week after dinner we go out to our land and walk the place.  It has easily become our favorite past time.

The Bible Memory app is one of my new favorite tools for memorizing scripture.  I try to  work through my memory verses each night, but that doesn't always happen.  This app has been very helpful in memorizing though.  I use the free version and that works just fine for me.

So now tell me what are some of your current favorites?  

I Am A Mother

There are no diapers to change

No bottles to fill

There are no pacifiers to find
No cries to sooth

Yet I am a Mother

There is no tiny voice saying Momma
No bundle of joy to fill my arms
There is no play date to plan
No boo boos to kiss

Yet I am a Mother

Twelve weeks together
You growing within
The sound of a heartbeat
Music to my ears

I am a Mother

Straight to Heaven you went
To sing with the angels
And walk hand in hand with Jesus
Waiting until one day we reunite

Jayden Ball Weaver
I am your Mother

Where Will We Go Next?

Ask me to describe myself and more than likely the word homebody will be in that description.  I love nights at home curled up on the couch just hanging out.  It's the introvert in me.

But I also love nothing more than travelling with my man!

Palm Springs 2017

You know...home is where he is... and all that.  

Some people have a favorite vacation spot that they go to every year.  

We aren't those people.

Heck most of the time our vacations include multiple spots.

In 2016 we flew to Denver and then took a train to San Francisco

Last summer we took an amazing two week road trip hitting 13 different states.

We have a goal to visit all 50 states.  Because of work travel, Andrew is well ahead of me.  I've made it clear we hit 50 together.  I'm thinking Alaska will end up being Number 50.

The two week camping trip knocked out quite a few for me and even a couple for Andrew, but I still have a ways to go.

Create Your Own Visited States Map See all those grey states in the northeast part of the U.S.?

I plan on checking some of those off this summer.

We have reserved an RV and will be doing another big road trip this summer.

We are very excited and in full planning mode.

If you've traveled that area and have recommendations I would love to hear them.

Celebrating Jayden

February is Jayden's birthday month.  

In the days after I delivered Jayden last year I began to think about how we would celebrate his birthday every year. I love birthdays and I knew I would want to do something special to celebrate the day. 

My first thought was to make a cake on his birthday and have a special dinner for just Andrew and me.  And maybe we'll still do that.

I read stories of how other people have honored their precious babies.

Some people release balloons.  Others go to their local bakery and pay for a birthday cake for another family.

While I liked those ideas neither of them felt right.

I prayed occasionally about how we should celebrate but honestly I really forgot about it.

Until December.

On December 21, I received a text message from someone I have never met.  

Through this blog a chaplain at Washington Regional Medical Center, where we ended up in the ER and learned that we had lost Jayden, read our story.  Her name is Bekah and she went to school with Andrew and his siblings.  God placed it on her heart to improve the care that women receive while they are walking through the darkness of a miscarriage.  Bekah wrote a grant for funding to help in this area.

Because of this grant when a woman comes into their ER and learns she is miscarrying she is now sent home with a kit.  The kit includes gloves, a toilet hat, specimen cup (in case she wants to bring her baby back in for further testing), a casket, a list of funeral homes, and materials on grief as well as what is available in the area for help with grief.  She will also receive a small crochet item with a note that says forever loved and never forgotten.

I cry as I share this because I am just so humbled and grateful that God would use our loss to help other women in this way.  

I have shared our journey for the past seven plus years in hopes that God's faithfulness would shine and that I might somehow be of help to others who are walking a similar path.  

God is using our darkest days to bring light to others.  

I'm just in awe of His love.

When Bekah shared with me about this grant and how they were trying to do a better job of ministering to women who come into their ER experiencing one of the greatest losses of their lives, I instantly knew how I wanted to celebrate Jayden's birthday this year.

What better way to honor Jayden than by helping others.

I shared with Andrew my desire to help with this ministry and he immediately agreed.

God gave me the perfect way to celebrate Jayden.

A little over two years ago God spoke to my heart through a devotion I read (You can read it here).  He encouraged me that His timing was perfect and He has a special purpose for THIS child that we were praying for.  

Since losing Jayden, there have been many times when I questioned God's purpose in giving us a baby only to take that baby away so soon.  

God answered my questioning.  

If we hadn't ended up in the ER losing Jayden then this ministry might not have come to be.  

God is using our Jayden's life.

There is purpose.

Bekah put me in contact with a development officer at the hospital who has helped me set up a way to give a gift in honor of Jayden.  

Andrew and I will be giving a gift on February 13, Jayden's birthday.  

We don't want anyone to feel pressured to give but I am sharing the information on how to give with you because we have had some family members express a desire to give Jayden a birthday present in this way.  

If you would like to give a monetary gift (one kit costs $22)  that will go towards the ministry of helping women suffering a miscarriage you can give online here.  Under designation, please choose Patient Assistance Fund.  Toward the bottom of the page mark the box that indicates that it is a gift in honor of someone.  This will bring up a new box where you can enter Jayden's full name.

Jayden Ball Weaver

Avoiding Homework

A few minutes ago I shared on instagram how grad school is teaching me just how indecisive I am.  I am supposed to be making a "how-to" video using screen capturing.  However, I can not seem to settle on an idea for this project.  

So I'm here.

Blogging.  

For the first time this year.

I posted my 2018 Reading List earlier this month but I'm not counting that as real blogging.

I want to get back to blogging.  I can't say that I've missed it.  

I haven't.

However for a few months now I've been feeling a pull back to this little space.  Some friends and some complete strangers have shared with me how my blog has encouraged them or made a difference for others.  

That's what drives me back.

But it also makes me feel like every post needs to be this beautiful, inspiring post.

That's a lot of pressure.

So tonight I'm avoiding homework and just babbling here in hopes that eventually I will babble my way back into a real post that actually says something meaningful.

2018 Reading

1. Love Story by Karen Kingsbury

2. Sisters First: Stories from Our Wild and Wonderful Life by Jenna Bush Hager & Barbara Bush

3. Comfort & Joy by Kristin Hannah

4. Call the Midwife by Jennifer Worth

5. Buried Secrets by Irene Hannon

6. Thin Ice by Irene Hannon

7. Tangled Webs by Irene Hannon
8. The Choice by Robert Whitlow
9. The Living Room by Robert Whitlow
10. The Energy Bus by JonGordon
11. The List by Robert Whitlow
12. The Sacrifice by Robert Whitlow
13. Angel Falls by Kristin Hannah
14. Lilac Girls by Martha Hall Kelly
15. Mathivate by Kim Thomas
16. Woman of God by James Patterson
17. The Flying Tigers: The Untold Story of the American Pilots Who Waged a Secret War Against Japan Before Pearl Harbor b Sam Kleiner
18. The Wedding Shop by Rachel Hauck
19. The Great Alone by Kristin Hannah
20. A Legacy of Love by Amy Clipston
21. The Cedar Chest by Beth Wiseman
22. The Treasured Book by Kathleen Fuller
23. The Midwife's Dream by Kelly Irvin
24. What Great Teachers Do Differently: 17 Things that Matter Most by Todd Whitaker
25. A Promise for Ellie by Lauraine Snelling
26. Sophie's Dilemma by Lauraine Snelling
27. A Touch of Grace by Lauraine Snelling
28. Rebecca's Reward by Lauraine Snelling
29. True Colors by Kristin Hannah
30.  Deep Thoughts From a Hollywood Blonde by Jennie Garth
31. Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom
32. From New York to L.A. by Mandy Lawson
33. Whispers of the Bayou by Mindy Starns Clark
34.To the Moon and Back by Karen Kingsbury
35. Catching Christmas by Terri Blackstock
36. Just a Little Frosting by Mandy Lawson
37. Bygone Christmas Brides by Ginny Aiken
38. Naomi's Gift by Amy Clipston
39. An Unexpected Joy by Ruth Reid
40. A Christmas Visitor by Kelly Irvin
41. Christmas at Carnton by Tamera Alexander