One year ago last Thursday Andrew and I visited with an infertility specialist for the first time. I remember having very mixed emotions that day. There was a part of me that was thrilled to finally be doing something, to finally being taking another step toward building our family. But there was also a part of me that wondered what we were doing there because we both felt like infertility treatments were not the path we would take.
Maybe things would have turned out differently if we had received a diagnosis other than unexplained infertility. Maybe if the doctor had been able to pinpoint a reason as to why we had not gotten pregnant yet...
About three months after that diagnosis we very briefly discussed the idea of doing a round of IUI. Again I was thrilled to be talking about another step forward, but deep down it didn't feel right. I had no peace about that decision.
It was then that God stepped in in a very big way and opened the door to adoption.
That step forward was filled with a peace that can only come from God.
We felt and still feel certain that God is calling us to adopt a sibling group.
For several months now we have been praying about a sibling group of ten.
Sure some of our family and friends think we have lost our minds.
And maybe we have.
But we are seeking God's will and that makes it feel a little less crazy to us.
This past Saturday we were able to meet with that group's adoption specialist and learn a little more about their story.
The two youngest are in a pre-adoptive placement and are a month away from having their adoption finalized.
Such mixed emotions.
I'm happy they have found a loving family.
But it breaks my heart that they have been separated from their older brothers and sisters.
For the rest of the day I just felt incomplete after hearing this news.
We talked with the adoption specialist for almost thirty minutes.
Standing there talking about this group of children and calling them by name...
It made them feel more like my kids.
I can't count how many times we told her we wanted them - all of them.
I am so ready to meet my children, to bring them home, and to start becoming a family.
But I'm struggling with the separation of this group.
I hate that it happened.
I hate that we didn't start this process sooner so that we could have prevented this.
God is asking me to lean on him, to trust him.
And that's hard.