Admitting Infertility

I always imagined that when Andrew and I decided it was time to have a baby it would be this very sweet and personal decision.  No one would know we were trying and then BAM we would surprise the world - well maybe not the world but our family and friends -  with the most exciting news of our lives.

Three years later and things have gotten a little less sweet and little less personal.

I am constantly going back and forth with how much of this journey I am comfortable with sharing on my blog.  My blog is my scrapbook.  It's our memories and there is a part of me that wants to record every little detail because of that.  I want to remember everything including what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling about this whole process.

But there's also a part of me that wants to keep this journey as private and personal as possible.  

Maybe I can find that fine line of sharing this journey for memories sake but also keeping it personal for us.

If you follow me on instagram you've probably noticed that I've had a few doctor's appointments lately.   Andrew and I had our first appointment at Arkansas Fertility the last week of May.  It was such a strange feeling walking into that building.  I was incredibly nervous and excited and so many other emotions all at the same time.  I had no idea what to expect and was slightly fearful that it was going to be a painful experience.  Plus I was walking into a doctor's office to talk about something very personal with a complete stranger.  Nothing like telling a complete stranger all about your period and your sex life.  

Then I walked into the waiting room and saw all these other couples sitting there waiting.  I can't explain what I felt.  Just looking at those couples and knowing they were there for the same reason we were.  My heart broke for them and even though I didn't know them I wanted to walk up to each one of them and hug them and tell them I was praying for them.  It was also encouraging to me because it was like "Okay, we are not alone.  Other people are walking on this journey too."  I also thought about our sweet niece, Amelia, and how she was in our lives with the help of the staff in that building.  

I felt encouraged.

That first appointment was very anti-climatic.  I'm not sure what I expected...maybe walking out with a positive pregnancy test?  Ha!  Just kidding.  I just had it built up in my head to be this huge deal.  We were finally admitting infertility and seeking help and in my mind that was huge.  Turns out that just means more waiting.  

We were there two hours for probably 30 minutes worth of conversation and testing.

This guy though...he kept me entertained the entire time.  There is no one else I would rather wait with.  

Since that first appointment Andrew has gone in for his test and I've had two more appointments - one of which was just blood work.

All test have yielded "normal" results.  Nothing is jumping out as a problem.  

That is such a blessing and I am so thankful that everything looks normal.

We're normal.  We've been tested.

Ha!

But at the same time it feels like we aren't getting any answers.  They haven't said this is why you haven't gotten pregnant and this is how we are going to fix it.

I've said from the beginning that I thought it would be hard for me to not put too much faith in the doctors and human ability.  Everything being normal sort of eliminates that issue.  I'm left with no choice but to continue to trust in God for this sweet baby of ours.

That in itself is an answer to prayer.

Our next step is to schedule a follow up with our doctor.  I'm not really sure where we go from here.  I have no idea what he will suggest and I'm not even really sure what we are prepared to do. 

Neither one of us feel ready to do anything major like IVF not to mention that it isn't an option financially right now.  

I just keep praying and hoping that we won't need the follow up appointment.  At my HSG test this week the X-ray tech told me that her daughter-in-law found out she was pregnant with twins the month after her HSG.  I've heard multiple stories like that.

I would gladly take that outcome.

But if we have twins - which I would LOVE - we are going to need someone to move in with us.