I believe God has called us to grow our family through adoption.
I believe it has been God's plan all along.
Yet, adoption is not a cure for infertility. As a woman, the desire to carry a child within me and give birth to that child has not disappeared. .
I have shared with family members that I feel like I am expecting, just not in the traditional way. I have already fallen in love with my children and I pray for them every day even though I have not met them yet. I already feel like a mom. I just don't have the usual nine months to prepare for a newborn. I have an unknown amount of time to prepare for children of unknown ages.
I have such peace and joy about this new journey so I was not expecting the wave of emotion that flooded over me a few weeks ago.
We were looking at some old pictures when we came across this picture of Andrew (on the right) and his brother Cary.
My heart broke instantly.
Our kids won't look like us.
Maybe it is silly or even unreasonable. But in that moment I was absolutely heartbroken that we aren't preparing to bring home a mini-me or a mini-Andrew.
Will I love my child any less because he or she doesn't look like us? Absolutely not.
Will he or she be any less my child because he or she doesn't look like us? Absolutely not.
But the pain was still there.
It was in that moment of seeing that picture that I realized even though this journey of adoption is absolutely the right one for us, my desire to have a biological child may never go away.
Adoption is not a cure for infertility.