Waiting

It's something we do every day.

It's something I struggle with.  Often.

I tend to be a little impatient.

I pray for something and claim to trust in God's perfect timing.  But with my very next breath I decide I know the best time and that it is now.

I think to myself I've waited two and a half years and I'm okay with that.  I have survived that.  But please don't make me wait three years or five years or more.

You may or may not remember this post I wrote back in 2010 about submitting to my husband in the area of children.

Not long after I wrote that post, Andrew and I decided together that it was time for me to stop taking birth control.  

I just knew this was God's reward for me because I had submitted.

We began planning exactly when we would have a baby.  And then we didn't get pregnant in the month we had planned.

Several more months went by and there was still no positive hpt.

I have cried and I have stressed.

We agreed not to share our decision with anyone for several reasons.  

We had no idea it wouldn't happen right away.

There have been many times when I have hated keeping it a secret.  I did share with my best friend, Traci.  I am so incredibly thankful for her listening hear and shoulder to cry on.  She has let me talk when I needed to talk, vent when I needed to vent, and just remain silent when there were no words.  She has encouraged me and hoped with me each month.  Poor girl knows as much about my monthly cycle as I do.  Ha!

Of course Andrew has done all of those things too.  But sometimes you just need a woman to talk to.  

There have also been many times when I've been glad it was a secret.  There was no one constantly asking how it was going.  There was no outside pressure.

Over the past few months we have started to share with people if they happen to ask.  I'll admit I was not happy about sharing at first. 

But I find such peace and am constantly encouraged in knowing that others are praying for Baby Weaver right along with us.

I've debated blogging about all of this for a long time.  I'm afraid that I will use this as a place to vent/whine when I'm having a hard day.  I don't want to do that.

I don't want our struggle to have a baby to be a constant conversation.

I need people to let me talk when I want to talk, but to otherwise know it isn't an approved topic of conversation.

That may be harsh.  But there are times when it just hurts too bad to talk about it.  If you have struggled to have a baby, then I'm sure you understand.

It's not that I don't want to talk about it at all, but I don't want every conversation I have with people to be about having a baby.  

I need people to understand when I say I can't talk about it right then.

Most days I don't mind talking about it.  But then there are the hard days...

I'm not ready to use the word infertility to describe our situation.  I'm not ready to have people feel sorry for us.

But I am ready to share that we've been waiting over two years.  I'm ready to share that I believe ALL hpt return a negative result.

I'm ready to share that we covet your prayers.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be thirty years old and married for almost ten years and not have someone to call me mommy.

I think that's why I had such a hard time with turning thirty.

I know God's timing and God's will are perfect.  No matter what that means.

But I'm believing Him for Baby Weaver.  I'm expecting to be expecting soon.  I'm praying and trusting that God will give me the desires of my heart. 

It would mean the world to me if you would pray and believe with me.