Monday, April 12, 2010

Whatever is true...

I don’t even know where to begin. There has been so much going on in my head lately and more importantly in my heart.

For the past several weeks, God has been placing different things and people in my life to help me realize some things.

It’s no secret that I daydream about the children that I hope Andrew and I will have someday. In the past those daydreams have always been about names, nurseries, showers, and family time. Not bad things to dream about. But lately my daydreams or thoughts have taken a different direction. During one of our many conversations about the right time to have kids Andrew made the statement that he just didn’t feel we were ready spiritually. I have to confess I was offended by that. I didn’t know how he could think that, after all we are (and were at the time) both Christians who go to church. Funny how even though I knew then that there was more to it than that, I thought that would be sufficient for my children someday.

Lately I catch myself doing things and I think to myself, I don’t want to do this in front of my kids someday so why am I doing it now. I’ve had this thought while I’m texting or checking facebook while driving. I don’t want my teenager doing that so I have to set the example not to. I had this thought awhile back when I was meeting Andrew after work. I had gone out of my way to get something to eat and for a reason unknown to me I didn’t want him to know about it. So when he called and asked where I was, I lied. I instantly thought what if my child were sitting in this car listening to me. I’m lying and over something so silly. Andrew wouldn’t care if I ate. I’m pretty sure he wishes I would eat more. :)

Then I had the thought that while my future children are what prompted all this, there is someone who is with me always watching me. I’m doing these things before the Lord. I have heard people ask what do you want to be doing when the Lord returns. What will he catch you in? That is just silly. God is not going to get here and be shocked by what he finds me or you doing. He is with us always and already knows what we are doing. He has already caught us.

A week or two ago I was in a bad place because a family member had hurt my feelings. I knew that this family member had no idea of the fact, yet I continued to dwell on it. I had sent Andrew an email about it in the middle of the day and in his response he included a scripture.

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admireable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things.” Philippians 4:8

I can’t tell you the number of times God has given me this verse in the past couple of weeks. I haven’t been able to figure out why he keeps giving it to me. After the message Brother David shared at church yesterday, I think I’m beginning to figure it out.

I have sin in my life. I have been ignoring that fact. I’ve been ranking sins and comparing myself to others. I’ve been trying to make myself look good.

I watch things on TV that are not true, noble, right, pure, lovely, or admirable. God told me yesterday to stop watching those things.

I might have thrown a little fit in response. I really like those TV shows. But I know they aren’t what I need, so I’m giving them up. Satan tried very hard to convince me otherwise. He was almost successful. It was hard to delete these shows off my DVR, but they are gone. My DVR is no longer scheduled to record these shows.

I’m asking God to forgive me and help me rid myself of my “secret” sins. Besdies they aren’t a secret. He knows about them.

I pray that in the weeks to come and for the rest of my life God will keep reminding me of Philippians 4:8.

1 comment:

  1. You are growing! It always involves change and change hurts. Wonderful to know God has the best for us! I am proud of you.